Howdy Transients, welcome to the thirty-eighth histrionic of HACK. If you’ve made it this far, ‘histrionic‘ was not a noun until I just made it so.
This week I have an overactive bladder, an underactive imagination, a reactive reality, inactive indifference, a proactive perspective and a radioactive half/life about as long as my refractory period. So that doesn’t give us much time… READ MORE »
Howdy Consumers, welcome to the twenty-first ornamentation of HACK. If you’ve made it this far, remember that the best gift you’ll ever get is your present.
This week I present you with an alternate reality adventure that is presently in progress…
“You’d be surprised how much room there is in a chimney.”
Santa Claus slid down the sooty surface like it was a water slide. I clumsily clambered downward; hands, knees and backside pressed up against the brick.
“Just let go and enjoy the ride!” he called from the blackness below.
I figured, what the hell, it’s Santa Claus. It’s not like he would let me die—again. So I let go and felt the grating ash on my back. Suddenly a force pushed upward against my body. I could feel my jeans getting extremely warm but my upper half was freeze-burned, soot-scraped, and stuck.
“HO HO HO!”
The silly bastard laughed at everything. He laughed exactly the same way every time. It never got old. I felt grips around each of my ankles. Santa yanked and I emerged through flames into a cozy, hobbit-sized room.
“You know, hobbits originated from a dwarf-elf half breed,” Santa said. He reached into the fireplace and pulled out a steaming clay pot.
“Tea?”
He poured hot steaming purple tea into a reindeer mug and its nose lit up red. He then produced two bottles, poured absynthe into one of the antlers and hot sake into the other antler. They dribbled and mixed into the tea which hissed and bubbled for a second. I took a sip and felt the warm, delicious drip hit me.
I smirked. “So what are you, some lame secret agent or something?”
“Nope, just a spirit, loosely manifested by the myths of various tribes and religions,” Santa said.
He leaned back in reverie… READ MORE »
Howdy Tulpas, welcome to the eighteenth edification of HACK. If you’ve made it this far then you’ve probably heard the ol’ aphorism, “Brevity is the soul of wit” or in other words…
Concise and exact use of words in writing or speech is the spiritual or immaterial part of mental sharpness and inventiveness.
This week: I got nothing. Well, I have lots of things but no patience to expound on any of them. So over five days of vacation last week I wrote little bits on lots of stuff. I guess my brain just needed to upload it all and clear the cache. I could’ve just used the apostrophe bit below and called it a HACK. However, since I spent many hours doing nothing but sitting in a den of iniquity hacking all this jibba jabba out, I’m just going to share it all with y’all. See what I did there? I used an apostrophe to denote the contraction of ‘you’ and ‘all.’
Read on, dear Readers. With patience it’ll all make sense. I promise to have something more relevant to your world just as soon as it becomes relevant in mine. READ MORE »
“I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.”
—George Carlin
1. Any sentence beginning with the phrase “What’s your favorite….”
2. Motion sensor lights in cramped suburban neighborhoods.
3. Unnecessary and/or irrelevant reply-to-all e-mails. READ MORE »
