Howdy Zygotes, welcome to the nineteenth afterbirth of HACK. If you’ve made it this far, please don’t have any more kids.
Let’s Get It On
Since the conception of HACK, I’ve hesitated on writing about sex even though it’s one of my favorite topics. I like talking about it, I like doing it, and I like watching other people do it. In short, I’m a normal human being. If by normal you mean, forced to repress or redirect many sexual urges because I live in a dichotomatic world of boundaries that others have agreed upon. Others have it even worse and more perverse than me. They seek outlets for secret sexual explorations. Some folks are just plain addicted.
I’m referring to a Victorian-turned-American-type contradiction between what society (whatever that is) chooses to accept as appropriate sexual conduct and how we all are actually behaving. In other words, the boundaries continue to get broken like sacrificial cherries.
With our loss of privacy our secrets are easier to expose. And it’s easier these days to expose yourself to the public, if you so choose. The question is always: Are you aware of the possible consequences? Because, really, every single person who passes a judgment on another is a hypocrite. We’re all hypocrites, many times over, most of the time without us ever realizing it. Yet we all keep pretending. We pretend that some things are sacred and shouldn’t be shown, discussed, or revealed. At the same time we can’t get enough of it. Teenagers are in their underwear on TV for cryin’ out loud. I’m talking about department store commercials, people.
Clearly we’ve lifted a lot of taboos these days. But there are limits. There are still places you cannot go. And should not. Abuse, rape, active psychological manipulation…those are the real perversions, when desires get distorted and morals get molested. Why? Well, for me personally, it’s karmically detrimental to violate another person’s body, soul or mind. Do unto others as you and they would CONSENT to do unto each other. Nah’mean?
Public vs. private, perversion vs. par for the course… As those distinctions meld and blur the pendulum swings hard the other way, a reactionary return to puritanical admonition of natural human tendencies. I say ‘natural’ because there never was a time that people were not cheating on their spouses, raping other people, or finding novel and exotic ways to mutually consent. Sex is what we do best. Our entire physical form was originally based upon some very simple programming: survive, thrive, i.e. stay alive long enough to keep fucking.
Let’s Squeeze One Out
Then you get the children. And children change everything. I have seen more marriages ruined because of kids, even though I’m sure the Universe knows what it’s doing and every new soul really is a blessing on Earth. Nevertheless…
“Kids suck.” -Ma Fratelli, The Goonies
If you have kids, you know what I’m talking about. If you don’t have kids, you also know what I’m talking about. If you’re like me and you teach kids, you know that natural chemical imbalances, developmental disabilities, or unforeseen trauma aside, the way a child behaves is PRIMARILY connected to how they’re being raised by their parents.
One of my favorite questions that the occasional irate parent will ask me is, “Mr. D’Ambrose, do you have children of your own?” The implication is always that since I don’t have kids of my own then EVERYTHING I think I know about them is invalid, including my ten total years of experience teaching and tutoring kids ages 5 – 20 in the classrooms plus working with kids AND their parents in their homes. (I was a state-sponsored Behavioral Assistant for 3 years…that’s a whole book right there.) No, I don’t have my own kids. I’ve just devoted most of my entire life up to this point to YOURS.
The average parent sends their kid to a school day lasting anywhere between 6 and 8 hours. Let’s say children sleep about 8 hours a night. Let’s say they actually spend time with their parents from the time they get home from school until the time they go to bed. At BEST, that’s half (or less) the amount of time the teacher spends with them. Plus, we’re actually TEACHING the kid… I’m speaking of those parents who think teaching only takes place in school and therefore don’t understand simple things like checking homework, helping to study, or acknowledging academic progress (or lack thereof.)
Anyway, I’m getting off track and this is only Part 1 of a 2 part HACK.
Even if you stay together and raise your kids and those kids turn out just fine, there’s still the possibility of marital problems. I’m just saying that having kids may create and/or exacerbate those problems. I’ve known plenty of married folk who either stayed with their spouse and remained miserable because of the kids or who used the kids as emotional or material leverage during separation and divorce.
So what else besides having kids causes all these marital problems? I’ll elope with that topic next week in HACK № 20: Until Dead Inside Do Us Part.