The use of The Holy Bible as a reference is absurd. I can rely on The Diary of Anne Frank more than The Holy Bible. At least her diary is a first person account of someone who had been labeled and ended up being sacrificed. The Holy Bible isn’t even Jesus writing anything down or a scribe documenting his life and the important lessons he wanted to teach. It’s a bunch of stories, lineage, and rules. Why should this compilation of SOME guys’ stories (not even all of them) form the basis of peoples’ beliefs?
Maybe I’ll write my own part of the bible. I feel like I can because you don’t need to have a degree in anything, you don’t have to have a last name or cite anything, and you don’t have to stay within reality. I’m not sure if being a female matters, but hey I’ll just make my pen name David. It’ll fit in with the other bogus names. Do you expect me to believe that Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John were the names of the guys of Jewish men from the B.C. times? Yeah, okay.
I’ll write the sequel to the Jonah story. It’ll probably be something like this
Jonah was angry that the lord would not take his life.
“Lord, the city of Ninevah deserves your wrath.
It would be better to be dead than to be alive.”
The lord does not respond.
He clearly did not want to deal with the bitchy son of Amittai, Jonah.
Jonah gives up on waiting for the lord to smite the city of Ninevah.
It was too damn hot.
The lord had forgotten to turn down the scorch level of the sun before he ditched.
Jonah kicked the only rock in his path out of discouragment.
“I do not understand why my Lord would spare such unworthy people and leave me here to live in this blasphemous world.”
Jonah exclaims “LORD YOU PLAYER HATER!”
Jonah sulks off into the desert in despair.
Vince Guaraldi plays a solemn piano score.
The heat makes Jonah sweat like balls in July.
“Lord I beg of you turn down the scorch level of the sun.
I cannot bare the fire on my shoulders.”
The lord does not reply.
Jonah grows in bitterness.
He reflects on the responsibilities and consequences the lord has placed upon him.
The lord never made it an option to not travel to Ninevah and warn of the lord’s offense.
He followed Jonah to the ocean and made a large fish eat Jonah and not digest him.
The fish had to wait three days to puke up Jonah.
Showers were not an every-other day thing.
Jonah had to smell of fish innards for months afterwards.
Jonah curses the lord and stumbles onto the ground.
He notices an overwhelmingly dizzy wave crashing over him.
Jonah wakes up 2000 years later.
He is at Sea World.
Jonah accepts his fate of forever being swallowed and puked out by large fish.
“The Bible says it, I believe it, that settles it.”
If you have ever said this or the like and believe it is a valid conclusion, never ever try to talk to me.