The Surreal Calculator. Not my invention. It comes from a story that Noel Rogers wrote a long-ass time ago. The Surreal Calculator was mentioned only once, in one sentence, with no description whatsoever. I just loved the sound of the name, the possibilities of such a device. It stuck in my brain all these years until, during the writing of Heroes and Hierophants, I decided to write an instruction manual which explains what the Surreal Calculator actually does. I also figured that it should sound surreal. I even changed the name to Syreil Calcultor but on second thought, that’s lame. I don’t have time to change the graphic below so ‘deal with it. Actually, I do like the idea of switching back and forth from ‘surreal’ to ‘syreil‘ within the piece.
So that’s about it. This is an instruction manual for the Surreal Calculator. It has a large vocabulary and strange combinations of words which make it a challenging read. As such, I’ve spotted it with a copious amount of hyperlinks to concepts and definitions. There’s some Serious God Knowledge embedded in this piece. On the other hand, some words I just plain made up. These aren’t linked. Use your imagination. However, I’m not just spewing babbled jargon. I assure you that every one of these terms has a legitimate metaphysical connotation based on present-day reality.
Of course, you’re not even reading this, right? If you are one of the few followers who’ve made it this far, or some wayward Internet surfer who happens to be riding my wave of lameness, thanks for being here…
The Syreil Calculator is a hypo-fictional mimesis used by Karmic Agents for various purposes, including but not limited to: posthistorical analysis, species cartography, dimensional bounty hunting, temporal looping, psycho–linguistic confabulation, telepathic manipulation, galactic erotica and chaostropic karaoke. Most individual users remain unaware of the Syreil Calculator’s incredible versatility, even if they are well-versed in some or all of its particular functions. The “good old art” of the Surreal Calculator lies in constructing programs that promote the possibility of perpetual novelty.
Handlink (Model #42692788)
The handlink functions as an intermediary step between external information computation and complete nano-integration. Until all functions of the calculator can be operated via the user’s entire nervous system, the handlink acts a “free-appendage” while the organic brain serves as central processing unit. Future models will consist of nano-bionic implants that connect directly to the brain stem, with all menu functions accessible by thought.
Users of the mid-late 21st century are no doubt familiar with the Syreil Calculator’s touch-screen technology. To begin, touch the eye-in-triangle in the center of the screen. This will display a menu of your current switches. To enter a menu item tap it twice. To select multiple items tap each item desired once until all are highlighted. Tap any of the highlighted items twice and programming will commence. Skilled users may operate the device with as many digits as their biology permits. You can therefore execute multiple programs at varying intervals.
The outer skin of the handlink is made of osmotic biogen, a porous substance that absorbs all pertinent ego-entific data (DNA/RNA code, neural oscillation, binaural signature, eigenstates and quantum assimilation rates, etc.) and will activate upon verification of cognition identity. As a security measure, the device remains inert if it comes in contact with an unauthorized user. [See: Authorizing Users] Osmotic biogen’s unique neuronic properties allow it to establish a virtual link with the pineal gland. The skin itself interprets multi-sensory data from the surrounding awareness field.
The requisite side-effect of neural stimulation is extreme sensory enhancement. For example, the Psychedelic Wavibration function usually interacts with Ocular Processing, allowing the user to experience various electromagnetic modulations superimposed within dimensional space-time. Multiple sensory enhancements will occur simultaneously depending on the particular function. For example, ocular and auditory processes would work conjointly when a user focuses on an object and isolates its circadian rhythms or even something as simple and satisfying as tuning into la musica universalis.
Circuit Pathways and Remote Connection
Circuits create data pathways that allow for simultaneous multi-directional flow of information between the handlink and organic brain. Advanced users may add additional circuits to enhance flow. Below is a list of the primary circuits.
Note that while the components for these circuits are stored within the handlink itself, they are remotely linked with the user’s nervous system. In this way, one does not need to physically hold the handlink at all times. However, it is important to always keep the handlink within range of the user’s awareness field. Failure to do so will abruptly sever the circuit pathways. Users who come in contact with other users tend to exchange certain circuit pathways. In many instances new circuit pathways are created in the process, which could prove mutually beneficial. For a complete list of all user-created circuits, see The Fool’s Full Technical Manual.
Switches, Functions, Submodalities
The main menu displays all existing switches. A switch simply refers to the device’s main functions, usually crediting the switches’ creators. Experienced users may assign functions to their own unique switches. [See: Creating Switches, Assigning Functions] Other user-created switches are available for download. Tap a switch twice to activate a function. A parallel sub-menu appears allowing the user to select specific sub-modalities within that particular function. Therefore, adjusting the various settings gives each switch tremendous versatility. Note: If selecting more than one function at a time, multiple viewpanes unfold, allowing for rapid selection of multiple submodalities.
List of Switches and Associated Functions
[Klugarsh Switch] Dimensional Tuning – Seek and tune through the dimensional spectrum. Warp to any coordinates within or throughout the Continuum. Select from default teleportation types or classic portal formations.
[Thelema Switch] Orthogonal Colligation – Superimpose or subdivide Sacred Geometry permutations. Transmute, deconstruct, classify and remix multiple reality objects. Locate electromagnetic linkages on planetary magnetic fields to enhance cosmic channeling.
[Wiggy Switch] Neurogenetic Coding – Conduct infra-, supra- and meta-physiological analysis of life forms. Various subroutines allow for coding of genetic structures and manipulation of melchizedek patterns.
[Calavicci Switch] Non-local Projection – Project self as a hologram into any conscious entity. Passive symbiosis allows for direct non-dual awareness with organic, inorganic and technorganic entities. It is not recommended that this function be used on present-time self. However, past and future self projections are often used in conjunction with the Oracular Processing function.
[Muad’dib Switch] Oracular Processing – Complete a host of psychic operations, including telepathic and psychokinetic subroutines. Prescience attenuation allows the user to calculate near-infinite probabilities and organize attitude vectors into concentric holarchies.
[Godbody aka Godbodi Switch] Gluurg Regurgitator – Design and manifest a mythological deity of choice. An inversely-ubiquitous entity appears, capable of anti-omnipotent calculations such as proof-editing, encouraging, correcting, reducing or eliminating miasmic error. It also isolates gremlin viruses that arise as a result of entropic redundancy. Presets include: Archon, Demiurge, Djinn, Familiar, Figment, George Burns, Muse, Sibling, Sidekick, Soulmate, Sigil, Superhero, Tulpa and Zeitghost. Limit one deity per singularity.
[Syianoq Switch] Aesthetic Derivation – Cross-reference artistic, cultural and historical tropes. Interpolate/extrapolate synchroncities. Disincorporate speculative philosophies into idiosyncratic patterns. Includes a vast array of comprehension hypercomputations: omni-literal syntheses, summating, interpretation, reflection, inferencing, metacognition.
[Satam’s Triip Switch] Psychedelic Wavibration – Sensory data (auditory, gustatory, olfactory, ocular, tactile, clairvoyant, itc.) is recorded, processed through the user’s neural matrix, and ‘displayed’ according to the user’s specific sensory capabilities. This function is extremely versatile, with x(n) perceivable permutations. Although multiple waveforms may be viewed simultaneously, the user will experience neural saturation if the central processing brain cannot interpret the stream at an acceptable rate. If this should occur, a fail-safe will temporarily de-activate the function via immediate and simultaneous amnesia + déjà vu (= amnejà vu.)
Flummox (For advanced users only.)
Activating this mechanism executes any or all programs at random.
Complete calculations in Pure Math, Applied Math and Everyday Math plus complete unit conversion capabilities. Babel Mode (aka Babble Mode) allows deconstruction of linguistic grammar frameworks, including but not limited to: discourse analysis, idiomatic interpretation, morphology, phonetics, phonology, pragmatics, semantics, semiotics, syntatical representations, and spiral dynamics plus complete inter-adaptive species translation algorithms.
Jaohlnexiemme, and as always–thanks for playing!
The Surreal Calculator | Instantaneous. Intuitive. Instrumental.
Towel Boy wishes that he gave only love, or could feel it when he did.