Howdy Transients, welcome to the thirty-eighth histrionic of HACK. If you’ve made it this far, ‘histrionic‘ was not a noun until I just made it so.

HACK № 38:  Paperlate! Winston Zeddmore William Katt Valaquenta Tron: Legacy Towel Boy the real ghostbusters The Greatest American Hero the goonies Telilaxu technology synchronicity Star Wars Skeletor Silmarillion sequel remake refractory period reboot ray stantz Ralph Hinkley Quenta Silmarillion prequel poetry Peter Venkman Peter Jackson Orco Murbella miniseries Miles Teg masters of the universe Leto II infinity holograms hologram hobbits Heretics of Dune He Man HACK good old art God Emperor of Dune ghostbusters logo ghostbusters Frank Herbert feline Evil Lynn Egon Spengler Dune Duncan Idaho Deadwood conspiracy complicity coincidence clemens Chinese food Chapterhouse: Dune cat Castle Greyskull Bill Murray Bill Maxwell Bene Gesserit Battlecat Akallabêth Ainulindalë

This week I have an overactive bladder, an underactive imagination, a reactive reality, inactive indifference, a proactive perspective and a radioactive half/life about as long as my refractory period. So that doesn’t give us much time…

 


I used to write poetry and only poetry. Like, over two thousand of those bad boys. I’ve long since kicked that nasty habit but every once in a while one regurgitates from my bitter and brazen soul. Here, help hold my head over the bowl…

 

random chance makes a meaningful event
borne by wishing with singular intent
a hidden conspiracy to karma’s complicity
there is no coincidence, only synchronicity
and when it all works out better than you planned it
serendipity
(yet it takes divinity
to ever understand it)

 


HACK № 38:  Paperlate! Winston Zeddmore William Katt Valaquenta Tron: Legacy Towel Boy the real ghostbusters The Greatest American Hero the goonies Telilaxu technology synchronicity Star Wars Skeletor Silmarillion sequel remake refractory period reboot ray stantz Ralph Hinkley Quenta Silmarillion prequel poetry Peter Venkman Peter Jackson Orco Murbella miniseries Miles Teg masters of the universe Leto II infinity holograms hologram hobbits Heretics of Dune He Man HACK good old art God Emperor of Dune ghostbusters logo ghostbusters Frank Herbert feline Evil Lynn Egon Spengler Dune Duncan Idaho Deadwood conspiracy complicity coincidence clemens Chinese food Chapterhouse: Dune cat Castle Greyskull Bill Murray Bill Maxwell Bene Gesserit Battlecat Akallabêth Ainulindalë


HACK № 38:  Paperlate! Winston Zeddmore William Katt Valaquenta Tron: Legacy Towel Boy the real ghostbusters The Greatest American Hero the goonies Telilaxu technology synchronicity Star Wars Skeletor Silmarillion sequel remake refractory period reboot ray stantz Ralph Hinkley Quenta Silmarillion prequel poetry Peter Venkman Peter Jackson Orco Murbella miniseries Miles Teg masters of the universe Leto II infinity holograms hologram hobbits Heretics of Dune He Man HACK good old art God Emperor of Dune ghostbusters logo ghostbusters Frank Herbert feline Evil Lynn Egon Spengler Dune Duncan Idaho Deadwood conspiracy complicity coincidence clemens Chinese food Chapterhouse: Dune cat Castle Greyskull Bill Murray Bill Maxwell Bene Gesserit Battlecat Akallabêth Ainulindalë

After all these years, I’m still not sure how I feel about the Ghostbusters II logo. On the one hand, it pokes obvious fun by adapting the original logo to the sequel. However, in the context of the movie, the characters aren’t aware they’re in a sequel. Yet because we know it’s a sequel the logo seems to break the fourth wall. If they decide to go back into business, why would they have the ghost in the logo holding up two fingers? It would’ve made more sense for them to keep the original logo, as it’s already an iconic image.

HACK № 38:  Paperlate! Winston Zeddmore William Katt Valaquenta Tron: Legacy Towel Boy the real ghostbusters The Greatest American Hero the goonies Telilaxu technology synchronicity Star Wars Skeletor Silmarillion sequel remake refractory period reboot ray stantz Ralph Hinkley Quenta Silmarillion prequel poetry Peter Venkman Peter Jackson Orco Murbella miniseries Miles Teg masters of the universe Leto II infinity holograms hologram hobbits Heretics of Dune He Man HACK good old art God Emperor of Dune ghostbusters logo ghostbusters Frank Herbert feline Evil Lynn Egon Spengler Dune Duncan Idaho Deadwood conspiracy complicity coincidence clemens Chinese food Chapterhouse: Dune cat Castle Greyskull Bill Murray Bill Maxwell Bene Gesserit Battlecat Akallabêth Ainulindalë

Unless the Ghostbusters were trying to re-up their image, since they got so much bad press over the Gozer debacle. Perhaps the two fingers is the ghost forming a peace sign. The message is clear: We’re back…and this time we promise not to demolish the city!


HACK № 38:  Paperlate! Winston Zeddmore William Katt Valaquenta Tron: Legacy Towel Boy the real ghostbusters The Greatest American Hero the goonies Telilaxu technology synchronicity Star Wars Skeletor Silmarillion sequel remake refractory period reboot ray stantz Ralph Hinkley Quenta Silmarillion prequel poetry Peter Venkman Peter Jackson Orco Murbella miniseries Miles Teg masters of the universe Leto II infinity holograms hologram hobbits Heretics of Dune He Man HACK good old art God Emperor of Dune ghostbusters logo ghostbusters Frank Herbert feline Evil Lynn Egon Spengler Dune Duncan Idaho Deadwood conspiracy complicity coincidence clemens Chinese food Chapterhouse: Dune cat Castle Greyskull Bill Murray Bill Maxwell Bene Gesserit Battlecat Akallabêth Ainulindalë


(Friday, 10:47 PM, Vineland, NJ.  Towel Boy stands in doorway of 42 Victory Ave, handing money to kid delivering Chinese food.)

Delivery Kid: 10:47!

Marc: What’s that?

Delivery Kid: $10.47…oh, sorry, that’s your total, but it was the time on the clock (indicates to clock on porch)…

Marc: Oh, it was just 10:47 on the clock. I see. That’s crazy! (exchanges bag of shrimp mei fun for $20 bill) …just give me seven back.

Delivery Kid: That was a cool coincidence, when I said your total it was the time on the clock.

Marc: That’s called synchronicity.

Delivery Kid: Synchro…?

Marc: Synchronicity. Yeah, well, you know what coincidence is right? That’s when two random things happen at the same time. There’s no connection.

Delivery Kid: Oh…right!

Marc: Synchronicity is when two seemingly random things happen at the same time, but there’s a connection between them. And, since everything is connected to everything else, then all events are synchronicities…there are no coincidences.

Delivery Kid: Synro…?

Marc: SIN-KRO-NIS-IH-TEE

Delivery Kid: Hold on, I want to put that in my cell phone, so I remember it.

Marc: Sure, go for it. You can look it up!

Delivery Kid: S-I-N..wait, how’s it spelled?

Marc: S-Y-N…C-H-R-O..N-I..C-I-T-Y

Delivery Kid: And what was the other one?

Marc: Um…coincidence?

Delivery Kid: Yeah.

Marc: C-O-I-N–

Delivery Kid: –yeah I know how to spell this one.

Marc: Oh, OK then, cool.


HACK № 38:  Paperlate! Winston Zeddmore William Katt Valaquenta Tron: Legacy Towel Boy the real ghostbusters The Greatest American Hero the goonies Telilaxu technology synchronicity Star Wars Skeletor Silmarillion sequel remake refractory period reboot ray stantz Ralph Hinkley Quenta Silmarillion prequel poetry Peter Venkman Peter Jackson Orco Murbella miniseries Miles Teg masters of the universe Leto II infinity holograms hologram hobbits Heretics of Dune He Man HACK good old art God Emperor of Dune ghostbusters logo ghostbusters Frank Herbert feline Evil Lynn Egon Spengler Dune Duncan Idaho Deadwood conspiracy complicity coincidence clemens Chinese food Chapterhouse: Dune cat Castle Greyskull Bill Murray Bill Maxwell Bene Gesserit Battlecat Akallabêth Ainulindalë


Remakes, Reboots, Prequels, Sequels

Quantum Leap Miniseries

Let’s face it.  A Quantum Leap movie is not going to market well.  You could try to get new actors and reboot the concept but I think this would be a big mistake.  Scott Bakula and Dean Stockwell ARE Quantum Leap.  They could do a movie together but I don’t see how it could work, let alone be good.  Quantum Leap is episodic and yet they’re clearly not going to start new episodes on TV.  So, let’s compromise:  do a miniseries with a series of leaps in the plot.  Do a miniseries that continues where the finale left off, address many of the unanswered questions and plot holes into a coherent narrative, and for gods’ sakes give us a satisfying conclusion.

 

God Emperor of Dune ~ Heretics of Dune ~ Chapterhouse:  Dune

Look, I don’t care that you or anyone else doesn’t care about Dune.  Dune is some of the greatest speculative fiction I’ve ever read.  The David Lynch film sucked. Good locations and sets but bad casting and horrible overacting.  The Dune miniseries (2000) and Children of Dune (which together cover the first three books) were much better than the movie but they were not great.  I’m not going to explain how the second three books are better than the first three books, or how you’ve got way more interesting character development going on with such legends as:  Leto II, Duncan Idaho & Murbella, the Bene Gesserit women, the Tleilaxu, and last but not least, the man…Miles Teg.  Of course, if someone did do this miniseries they would probably mess it up.  Still, it’s something I’d like to see someday.

 

Deadwood

Either go back in time or rebuild all the fucking sets you tore down prematurely and FINISH THE SERIES.

 

Peter Jackson Presents:  The Silmarillion

I appreciate Peter Jackson making The Hobbit.  It’s what I’ll call a ‘necessary prequel,’ as opposed to, say, the Star Wars Prequels, which were completely unnecessary.  But if you really want to impress me, Peter Jackson, do The Silmarillion.  You can do 3 movies @ 3 – 4 hours each covering the Ainulindalë and Valaquenta, the Quenta Silmarillion, and Akallabêth.  Best thing about The Silmarillion–no hobbits!

 

Ghostbusters III

Yesterday my brother ran up to me and said, “It’s for real!  Ghostbusters III!  It’s really happening!”  He seemed unable to cite his source, and I won’t take the rumor mill seriously until I see an actual trailer.  Here’s the thing, I don’t care if it’s going to be bad.  I mean, let’s face it:  it’s going to be bad.  It’s like my roommate’s deflated balloon theory.  If you keep your expectations low, if you never inflate your balloon, then you never run the risk of those expectations blowing up in your face.  So I’d go see it only because I’m a die hard  Ghostbusters fan.  If it happens to be better than expected, well, that’s all the better.

As for this talk of Bill Murray refusing to do the movie and then just a few days ago saying it’s a “possibility”…you know what I say?  FUCK Bill Murray.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the guy, or the conglomerated montage of movie characters which form the Bill Murray archetype in my head.  Either way, Bill Murray was probably right that the script sucked.  I can see it and I can sympathize with him grumbling something like, “I’m too old for this shit.”  Nevertheless, fuck Bill Murray.  Do it anyway.  Just do it.  Shiiiiit, the franchise rights alone have already made you rich beyond your wildest dreams. But I guess that’s why he doesn’t need to do it again.

You know what?  We don’t need Bill Murray.  I could see James Spader taking his place.  Or, anyone who can still make the character funny, something that Bill Murray is unwilling or unable to do.

At this point, a reboot may be the only way to save the franchise.  You can do a crossover from the old to the new.  So Peter Venkman’s out.  He and Dana are off living the happy ending.  Meanwhile Ray Stantz and Egon Spengler maintain the containment unit and keep the company running.  Chances are that in this economy Winston Zeddmore can’t find a better job, so he’s still around.  Of course they’re all getting older and they know it.  So you bring in some fresh blood…um, I’ll let you consider who would be good for the roles.  It could be done.  It could even be done well.

Please don’t let it end at Ghostbusters II.

 

The Greatest American Hero

I don’t have enough imagination to imagine how much they would fuck up this reboot.  Still, I’d give it a shot.  The original episodes actually had some damn good writing.  It’s a great premise:  divorced schoolteacher raising his son with lawyer girlfriend is given a special pajamas (joke) by mysterious aliens. He’s supposed to do good with it. He loses the instruction manual yet teams up with FBI agent to solve crimes and catch bad guys while trying to learn how to fly correctly and use powers he doesn’t know he has.  Hilarity ensues.  Plus if you click that link watch it till the aliens speak to Ralph and Bill by changing stations on the radio to hit the rights words at the right time to form a sentence. That’s nuts. In the reboot they’d do it with an iPod or something. They shuffle your songs, pulling out one word at a time into a single coherent message: TOUCH OUR BLACK HOLES AND 4TH-DIMENSIONAL BALLS ~ AND GO EVOLVE YOURSELVES. They’D make all kinds of changes with the reboot, of course, but they should keep that Ralph Hinkley is a teacher and you have to have a good actor play FBI agent Bill Maxwell.  Also, we can lose William Katt’s characteristic curly blonde hairstyle.

 

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe

I was all about some He-Man until like, third grade.  So it had been a few years since I had watched it when the live-action movie finally came out..  Even at 12 I was still pumped for the Masters of the Universe movie.  And it started out good.  Skeletor was kind of cool, believable.  Evil-Lynn, ok, cool, she’s evil enough.  He-Man’s pretty much what I expected. I like the setup of Skeletor already in Castle Greyskull with the Sorceress as his prisoner, draining her energy at his whim. I even like the idea of the heroes escape through that portal generator.

But then you start to notice the details.  Eternia’s sky doesn’t look quite right.  They don’t show the outside of Castle Greyskull.  No Battlecat.  You never even see Prince Adam, Cringer or any of the other whacky Eternians except: Teela, who has virtually no sex appeal, and Man-At-Arms, who seemed a bit past his prime. And no Orco!  Shit, you know they’d make Orco the CGI marketing gimick of the fiscal quarter if they thought it would work. Instead, in the movie Orco has been replaced by something that looks like a dwarf raped a hobbit.  This guy’s got a portal generator, see, and they use it to escape the forces of Skeletor.  This thing can open a doorway anywhere in the known universe, and where do they escape to?  Ye, you guessed it: Earth.  Two words:  budget restrictions.

And so the rest of the movie goes from lame to worse until by the end you’re forced to care about two earth kids who never even get to go to Eternia. Maybe they would’ve in the sequel.

So basically, do a reboot (the 2002 cartoon was good) except this time:  set the whole movie in Eternia, include Orco, show the outside of Greyskull, include some more classic villains from Skeletor’s crew, make Teela much, much hotter, you could do the Jeff Daniels face thing from Tron: Legacy with Skeletor’s face… Oh, and Battlecat.  Gotta have Battlecat.

 


 

HACK № 38:  Paperlate! Winston Zeddmore William Katt Valaquenta Tron: Legacy Towel Boy the real ghostbusters The Greatest American Hero the goonies Telilaxu technology synchronicity Star Wars Skeletor Silmarillion sequel remake refractory period reboot ray stantz Ralph Hinkley Quenta Silmarillion prequel poetry Peter Venkman Peter Jackson Orco Murbella miniseries Miles Teg masters of the universe Leto II infinity holograms hologram hobbits Heretics of Dune He Man HACK good old art God Emperor of Dune ghostbusters logo ghostbusters Frank Herbert feline Evil Lynn Egon Spengler Dune Duncan Idaho Deadwood conspiracy complicity coincidence clemens Chinese food Chapterhouse: Dune cat Castle Greyskull Bill Murray Bill Maxwell Bene Gesserit Battlecat Akallabêth Ainulindalë

 


 

The Hologrammatrix

Now that we have actual hologram technology (or have had and “They” just decided to let “Us” know about it) we should get to see Star Wars holograms right away. I want to wake up to Palpatine shooting me lightening when I’m in a bad mood or need my father to save me. Or have Yoda wake with me with meditative training exercises and Obi Won break down my day’s mission detail.

“Today is Saturday. We can go about our business. Move along…”

Of course, why stick with Star Wars? The possibilities are endless and that’s just the ones we’ve already thought up while waiting it for holo-tech to become real.

And if we follow this technology to its natural conclusion, then we better start now tackling the problem of neither being able to ejaculate into a hologram, nor have one thrust itself repeatedly into you.

HACK № 38:  Paperlate! Winston Zeddmore William Katt Valaquenta Tron: Legacy Towel Boy the real ghostbusters The Greatest American Hero the goonies Telilaxu technology synchronicity Star Wars Skeletor Silmarillion sequel remake refractory period reboot ray stantz Ralph Hinkley Quenta Silmarillion prequel poetry Peter Venkman Peter Jackson Orco Murbella miniseries Miles Teg masters of the universe Leto II infinity holograms hologram hobbits Heretics of Dune He Man HACK good old art God Emperor of Dune ghostbusters logo ghostbusters Frank Herbert feline Evil Lynn Egon Spengler Dune Duncan Idaho Deadwood conspiracy complicity coincidence clemens Chinese food Chapterhouse: Dune cat Castle Greyskull Bill Murray Bill Maxwell Bene Gesserit Battlecat Akallabêth Ainulindalë

“Meesa tongue not actually stimulate you, but yousa usa itty bitty vibrator and weesa will be okeeday!”

 


 

Oh, by the way. If you’ve made it this far and you’re still wondering what the title of this HACK means, then quickly look it up.

It’s first mention in a Genesis song was during the 70s Peter Gabriel era: Dancing With The Moonlit Knight.

In the 80s Phil Collins era they did a whole song on the one word: Paperlate.

Go fucking figure.

What you still don’t know is that “Paperlate!” originated in England. It was kind of like “hot off the presses.” The paper printed at the end of the day. At first the paperboys stood on the street corners shouting, “Late Paper!” but then reverse-compounded it to “Paperlate!”

SMART!

 


 

“Don’t leave your open ended open-ended.” –The 24th Admonition of Self

 


 

WEEK LINKS:
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

HACK № 38:  Paperlate! Winston Zeddmore William Katt Valaquenta Tron: Legacy Towel Boy the real ghostbusters The Greatest American Hero the goonies Telilaxu technology synchronicity Star Wars Skeletor Silmarillion sequel remake refractory period reboot ray stantz Ralph Hinkley Quenta Silmarillion prequel poetry Peter Venkman Peter Jackson Orco Murbella miniseries Miles Teg masters of the universe Leto II infinity holograms hologram hobbits Heretics of Dune He Man HACK good old art God Emperor of Dune ghostbusters logo ghostbusters Frank Herbert feline Evil Lynn Egon Spengler Dune Duncan Idaho Deadwood conspiracy complicity coincidence clemens Chinese food Chapterhouse: Dune cat Castle Greyskull Bill Murray Bill Maxwell Bene Gesserit Battlecat Akallabêth Ainulindalë

Towel Boy is sorry but rest easy, no news is good news.