Where to begin. You have taught me so much. 90% of the lessons involve learning how NOT to do things, but that’s part of the human experience. I am growing into a human being that I can be proud of. It has been terribly difficult. Life can be one long, bad day. But I’m still here. I don’t appear to be going anywhere anytime soon. And yet I can go go right now and never finish this piece, like so many others. But I’m still here.
You have not been gentle with me. I am no exception, but I speak of my own experience. Growing up as part of the human race is a strange thing. We worry about what others will judge, our emotions, our thoughts, and our basic needs. Most other creatures seem to be a little more sure of themselves. People are all over the place. If there’s one thing you’ve taught us, it’s that people do not generally play nice with each other. Rarely do I ever find myself a companion that I truly enjoy. I can only blame the character I embrace. I cannot blame anyone or anything else. If it were true that I could not control any aspect of my life, I would not find any use of this existence.
There have been many times I’ve wanted to give up. Until very recently, I would find myself incredibly depressed. The staring would tip me off. But it’s like being sucked out of your own body, there’s nothing there. Just a deep blank stare into nothing. I broke out of that by finding myself in the stare and forcing my eyes to move. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve had to do. The staring is so comfortable and drowsy. Peeling that distant layer off is like peeling off cement with blades of grass. It takes an extremely long time and it seems terrifyingly impossible. It becomes easier with time and practice. But damn it’s a bitch.
Enough of the negative. Even though I have a lot of ill memories of you, there are many precious ones. I cannot think of a better way to spend my time than to feel overwhelming happiness. To feel warm fluttering excite me and pull my mouth into a grin so big it could rip my face in half. I love the secret moments of happiness when I don’t want to share the little slice of joy I’ve found.
Hiding has been something I’ve done a lot of. From problems, people, emotions, situations, and experiences. All of these things have caused me to scatter into the holes in the walls at one point or another. I’ve been gradually coming out of that. Participating has been a minimal verb in my life. It’s coming around a bit more often. I like that.
New things don’t scare me. Consequences can be frightening, but new things are something I’ve learned to just do. For most of my time with you I’ve shied away from any new experiences and stuck with what I knew. I’m really glad I can immerse myself in new things now. Being a first born can throw you into that a lot.
Basically, I wouldn’t be who I am without the crazy things you’ve put me through. You’ll always be one step behind me and one mistake ahead of me. I accept that you’re gone from this physical place. I know you’ll always be with me sitting on my shoulders and pointing at the sky. Thanks for sticking with me.