Letters From God: Your Hair Is Everywhere testosterone stalker stalk Shannon Doherty Screaming Infidelities obsession male making out lyrics Letters From God illiterate hair Dashboard Confessional creep bed

Hello! This week on Letters From God I would like to interpret an interesting song I stumbled across a number of years ago. Ahem.

SCREAMING INFIDELITIES by DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL

I’m missing your bed

I never sleep

Letters From God: Your Hair Is Everywhere testosterone stalker stalk Shannon Doherty Screaming Infidelities obsession male making out lyrics Letters From God illiterate hair Dashboard Confessional creep bed

Snug as a bug.

This guy must be in a really bad place in his life if he doesn’t even have his own bed to sleep in. Also, why has he been sleeping in some random person’s bed? He probably sneaks his way in at night and just sleeps in bed next to this unsuspecting person and before they wake up, dashes out.

Avoiding the spots where we’d have to speak,

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Yeah, I’d avoid contact with the person I’ve been sleeping next to without their knowledge too.

And this bottle of beast is taking me home

Letters From God: Your Hair Is Everywhere testosterone stalker stalk Shannon Doherty Screaming Infidelities obsession male making out lyrics Letters From God illiterate hair Dashboard Confessional creep bed

Where do they sell bottles of beast, and why is it taking him home? I had no idea bedless weirdos were allowed to ride around on a bottle of beast. I would like to know where the used bottles of beast lots are.

 

I’m cuddling close to blankets and sheets

But you’re not alone, and you’re not discreet

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Alright, why is this guy not seen as a perverted freak? He’s in this person’s bed and cuddling all up on their blankets and such while their sleeping. I don’t even want to know what he means by “not discreet…”

Make sure I know who’s taking you home.

Letters From God: Your Hair Is Everywhere testosterone stalker stalk Shannon Doherty Screaming Infidelities obsession male making out lyrics Letters From God illiterate hair Dashboard Confessional creep bed

Now he has shifted from creepy bed invader, to stalker.

I’m reading your note over again,

There’s not a word that I comprehend,

Letters From God: Your Hair Is Everywhere testosterone stalker stalk Shannon Doherty Screaming Infidelities obsession male making out lyrics Letters From God illiterate hair Dashboard Confessional creep bed

So, it seems like this guy is a bed invading stalker who is ALSO illiterate. Maybe the note is a restraining order and she doesn’t want him spying around and sneaking into her bed all the time.

Except when you signed it

“I will love you always and forever.”

If this guy can’t read, I don’t believe for one second that the only words he can read are “I will love you always and forever.” Totally lying to us now. He has a terrible obsession. Poor girl.

As for now I’m gonna hear the saddest songs

And sit alone and wonder

How you’re making out

Letters From God: Your Hair Is Everywhere testosterone stalker stalk Shannon Doherty Screaming Infidelities obsession male making out lyrics Letters From God illiterate hair Dashboard Confessional creep bed

Well that’s nice that he’s wondering how she’s doing. It’s also nice to hear he is spending some time in solitude and not tailing her wherever she roams.

But as for me, I wish that I was anywhere with anyone

Making out.

Letters From God: Your Hair Is Everywhere testosterone stalker stalk Shannon Doherty Screaming Infidelities obsession male making out lyrics Letters From God illiterate hair Dashboard Confessional creep bed

Yes, I would assume his withdrawal from her is making him angry and full of testosterone. Not a good mixture for an obsessive male. He’s probably pretty fucking horny, not being able to jerk off next to her anymore.

I’m missing your laugh

How did it break?

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Her laugh is broken? Damn, that’s really got to be a downer for whoever tries to tell that chick a joke.

And when did your eyes begin to look fake?

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Oh, ever since she got the trendy new glass eyes. All the rage in Germany.

I hope you’re as happy as you’re pretending.

Don’t submit to sour grapes, she is perfectly happy not being followed by you constantly.

I’m cuddling close to blankets and sheets

I am alone

In my defeat I wish I knew you were safely at home

I would like to skip past your withdrawal phase and move on to the acceptance phase. Thank you.

I’m missing your bed

I never sleep

Avoiding the spots where we’d have speak,

And this bottle of beast is taking me home.

 

Well, as for now I’m gonna hear the saddest songs

And sit alone and wonder

How you’re making out.

But as for me, I wish that I was anywhere with anyone

Making out.

 

[X4]

Your hair, it’s everywhere.

Screaming infidelities

And taking its wear.

Letters From God: Your Hair Is Everywhere testosterone stalker stalk Shannon Doherty Screaming Infidelities obsession male making out lyrics Letters From God illiterate hair Dashboard Confessional creep bed

Woah, woah, woah, woah. Okay. I think I just read that right…yeah…unfortunately I did. This guy must have been cutting off parts of her hair while she slept and spread it around where he dwells. Jesus Christ. As for infidelities? HE WAS STALKING HER! In no way was she being unfaithful to this guy because they were never in a relationship. My goodness. Please, never let me become subject to such wacked out stalkers when I’m famous.

As a side note, I’d like to say that I know the lyrics do not mean what I slanted them to mean. I simply emphasized and exaggerated things for effect. Please, do not take any of it literally.