I would like to take time out of my life to discuss Rumpelstiltskin with you.
He is fucking stupid.
In an effort to find out why he had helped the chick in the story, I searched for an online version of the story. I found this http://www.eastoftheweb.com/short-stories/UBooks/Rum.shtml and decided it was good enough. There are a few other versions of the story floating around, but this one was the version I found the most. In reading this, I was surprised to find out how fucking batty this Rumpelstiltskin really is.
First of all, how the fuck did he get in the room? The king locked it. That means this guy knows how to pick a lock and/or has magical powers. It is more likely that he is magical being that he somehow spins straw into gold. Straw is a stem and gold is a metallic element. Obviously he did not just spin straw a few times and bim-bam-boom here’s some gold. If that were possible, there would be a lot of wealthy farmers out there. Or gold would be worthless, either way. What I’m saying is, this guy is clearly in possession of some magic.
Let’s remind ourselves of something. Rumpelstiltskin can spin straw into gold for this chick. WHY DOES HE DO THIS FOR HER JEWELRY? If I could spin straw into gold, I would not do it for some stupid jewelry this random miller’s daughter has on that day. I’d be making my own gold and selling it to whoever fucking pays what I want! The king seems to really like gold, sell it to him! If you aren’t interested in making money off of valuable this such as gold, what could you do with jewelry. Maybe he liked to cross dress.
There are a few reasons I can think of that would prevent Rumpelstiltskin from doing right by himself.
1) Rumpelstiltskin has limited powers. Like in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Roger Rabbit could only do crazy toon stuff when it would be funny in the situation. Maybe Rumpelstiltskin can only unlock locked doors and spin straw into gold when a miller’s daughter is in distress. Unlikely, but hey, that’s fiction for ya.
2) Rumpelstiltskin is fucking stupid.
3) Rumpelstiltskin is an alien and/or mentally handicapped. He gives currency no value and only values first born babies and jewelry.
4) Rumpelstiltskin does not own, nor possess the power to conjure a spinning wheel and reel.
All of the trading of jewelry, babies, and services could have been avoided if he just let her out the door. This guy OPENS the locked door and the chick is like “Oh, please strange man! Help me do this or I will die!” Not “HOLD THE FUCKING DOOR OPEN SO I CAN GET THE FUCK OUT!” Stupid girl. Even if there are guards out there, they let some creepy ass Rumpelstiltskin in the room that the king LOCKED, why not let them out too?
Why her first born baby? How does he even know she’s fertile? Maybe she’s barren as a desert and can’t have one single kid? Maybe she’s afraid of sex and goes crazy and kills anyone who tries to fuck her? Maybe she has 12 kids down at the mill already! It seems like this guy is assuming a lot of things. And why her’s? He could have let this girl be slayed by the king and knocked up some village prostitute to have his own kid. Could have stolen a baby. He could have raped the miller’s daughter. He was certainly in the room alone with her enough. But no. It had to be her first born with whoever she happened to marry. And why did she not question this request? If someone asked me for my first born I’d tell them to fuck themselves and run out the unlocked door. What a weirdo.
Did he not realize what a baby means? A baby means responsibility, no sleep, the need to provide, listening to crying and screaming, cleaning up someone else’s piss, shit, and puke. These do not sound like things someone who dances around a fire singing about weird things in his spare time would want. I mean, if it was for sacrificial reasons or something, I can see why he might need this sort of baby. But for real. There are better things to do with one’s free time. Rumpelstiltskin’s intentions for the baby and religious background are not mentioned so I can’t say for sure why he could conceivably want her baby.
Finally, I want to discuss the ending. In this lovely version, Rumpelstiltskin tears himself in half once the miller’s daughter guesses his name and he realizes he can no longer have her baby (according to their agreement). This is a strange thing to do to oneself. How he was so strong to stomp one leg straight into the ground and get it stuck there is beyond my understanding. Furthermore, he grabs his other leg and somehow musters up enough strength to rip himself in half. This indicates he does not feel pain or that he was just wearing a Rumpelstiltskin suit and was an alien life force. If I started to rip myself in half, voluntarily, I would pass out from the pain and probably wouldn’t even be able to do a very good job! I have all these bones and muscles and innards that would have to be so weak and frail that by pulling my leg up, I would be torn in two. It just doesn’t really make a lot of sense to me.
There isn’t even a moral to the story. Like what’s the point of telling the story of Rumpelstiltskin, or even making it up, if there isn’t a fucking point! “Mom, Dad! Guess what! I learned never to barter my first born for my own life!” “I learned not to assume that no one knows my name!” “Well, I learned not to brag about things that aren’t real to someone who could kill me and my family!” When I heard this story growing up, I did not think “Wow, what a life changing story. I should stop trying to spin grass into gold and use straw!” It just has no point. Was it originally meant to scare girls from bartering their kids? Was that some sort of trend they were trying to stop? Did they have a show called Teen Mom…Baby for Sale?
Anyway, Rumpelstiltskin is a moron and so is everyone else in the story. The end.