I believe I have mentioned before that I work at a copy center. If not, I work in a god-forsaken copy center. I do not know what it is about the copy center, but it is like a magnet for disabled people. By disabled I mean people who seem to have no abilities. The concepts of thinking things through, simple math, reading, typing, and communicating are just too advanced for these people. Not to say there aren’t gems out there. Thank goodness there are people who can handle those tasks. But nevertheless, I seem to be constantly dealing with human beings that do not seem to possess any common sense whatsoever.
I don’t feel like looking this up, but I feel like over time there has been a lot more enabling going on. Everyone and their granddogs (stole granddog from a bumper sticker I had the unfortunate chance of seeing “I <3 my granddog”) have to stop no matter what for a school bus letting the pipsqueaks on and off. Safety is important, but wouldn’t it make more sense to let the kids off on the correct side of a 6 lane highway? Stopping all these cars for these idiot kids to laugh in Darwin’s face is not a good way to prune for the evolution of human beings. We seem to desire a crippled society. I was trying to drive down some road to get pizza (because I needed pizza damn it) and this girl was texting and walking right towards my car. She didn’t even look up at the sound of my car coming. I slowed down and this stupid bitch keeps coming and texting her heart out to someone who could give a fuck. Eventually, she realized she was seconds from walking into a very large van that was also moving toward her. The chick glanced casually up at me and then back down to her phone, texting and walking slow as shit out of the way. Are kids these days not taught to be afraid of large heavy objects? Especially ones that can move pretty fucking fast and KILL YOU SO DEAD YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR CELL PHONE AGAIN UNLESS YOU VISIT CELL PHONE HELL. Fuck. I just wanted my pizza. Shoulda run her over.
Anyway. Now that I’ve got that off my chest, I would really like to focus on the term “alphabet.” Is everyone at least a little familiar with this thing called “alphabet?” Oh? Did you just say yes, Shannon we have all been to school or watched T.V., we know what the alphabet is?????? WELL GOOD. DO NOT FUCKING ASK ME TO TYPE YOUR SHIT OUT, YOU LAZY ASSHOLES. Jesus. I seriously get people who come into the copy center all the time who claim to not type. Really? How long have typewriters been around? No? No experience with a typewriter? How about a goddamn pencil? Yeah? Fuck you. You can recognize letters (especially if you’re reading this-dirtbag) and I know you can damn well type your contact information. What do these people expect? Well let’s see what my agenda is for today…ship cookies to Suzie…hmmm well that will be done lickity split! I just have to bring this USPS (United States Postal Service) package to the UPS (United Parcel Service) center at my local Staples and the Certified Print Pro will put the box in the magical shipping machine and Suzie will have her beloved cookies. No bitch. This isn’t the fucking USPS, this is UPS. I am just some chick who works part time at your local Staples who could care less if Suzie cries about her lost package of cookies. Why would anyone trust me to type in the correct information for them to get their precious packages to the correct location? I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU. Therefore, if you care so very much about the cookies arriving to Suzie’s house as quick as possible, because Suzie is one poor ass, hungry bitch, then do not trust a complete stranger who is also helping 500 other people at the same time to type in your shit.
Another thing is don’t FORCE me to type for you. I will not hold your hand when your dog runs away and tell you it’s okay, or when you stub your toe, or when you finally die. I could give a shit if you give Staples your business or if you get your business cards that say “Proffeshonal” or “Professional.” You are not a professional and neither am I. Stop downplaying words for the sake of advertising and marketing your soul. I am not a Certified Print Pro. I do happen to have an interest in literature and art. Sure. I fucking love the stuff. But making sure YOUR business cards look good and have correct spelling is not something I particularly care about. It is my job to tell you your stupid custom products look dandy and that they are top notch. It is not my job to enable your stupid ass.
I wouldn’t want to trust YOU with my money in return for your services or product if you can’t even handle typing on a keyboard or using a mouse. The concept of moving one thing to move another is not new people. It’s something that’s been going on for a long time. I once had a customer who could not grasp the concept of a mouse. I would even move it so all she had to do was click the left mouse button to select the thing to approve the product. She reluctantly pressed down on the mouse with one finger and fucking slid that shit because she press too hard AND DID NOT SUCCESSFULLY CLICK THE BUTTON. How does this bitch make her living? She supposedly owns a paving company with her family. Owning a business must mean you don’t have to use technology or use things that move other things…right?
Typing on a keyboard should be like second nature to most people. There have been typewriters, phones, calculators, and even printing presses for a long time now, guys. When was it that we fell of the symbol+button/block=symbol on screen/paper train? Even playing the piano is relative to typing on a keyboard. Just replace sounds with visual queues. To have the nerve to come to the copy center I work at, tell me you’d like to create a custom envelope or invitation, and tell me, “Oh, I don’t type. I don’t do that. I’m no good with technology.” is complete bullshit. Well, here’s news for you, I don’t care. Are you so removed from “technology” that you can’t make the connection of the alphabet and numerical system to a keyboard? If that’s the case, you have bigger issues at hand, my dear. Please, for the love of me, do not expect someone else to type YOUR personal things for YOU because YOU are not “good with technology.” I literally tell people to “Just type the information in, don’t worry about arrangement or anything. Just slap all of the text on there with the punctuation and capitalization you want.” This seems like a reasonable request right? Apparently it is the apocalypse. Unless you have a physical issue such as blindness, arthritis, down syndrome, no hands/fingers, muscle disability, burns or broken bones that impair your ability to type or use a mouse, or cannot reach the computer because you are 2 years old, or something horrible prevents you physically from typing or moving objects, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT MAKE ME TYPE FOR YOU.
I hope you remember this the next time you expect others to enable you. I don’t say this to be a bitch, I want people to be more independent. Don’t embarrass the human race.