Dear United States of America,
I have to tell you, I’m tired of your shit. I mean, I know I haven’t exactly been around in a while and you’re clearly throwing a fit. But, come on. I’ve obviously moved on. You think I’m proud of humans? Sheesh. Worst idea ever. I definitely learned my lesson. Not that you guys are all bad, but I won’t be making anymore nah mean?
Now, America, I have a particular problem with you. You are founded on self-entitled, cheap, and overall whiny bitches. Clearly, you have not gotten any further from that. You argue over things that do not even matter in the context you use them in. Your fear of offense makes you weak. The people who take advantage of the fears, water down the true offenses. Racism? Homophobia? Come on now, I didn’t think I made you guys that big of assholes.
These corporate chains are really getting on my nerves. I’m surprised I haven’t worked up a good smiting scheduled for Walmart yet. Fuck Walmart. If you truly believe in me as a higher power, would you still cast the first stone? Nah, you’d fucking fear the shit out of me. I’m God bitches. I could take the lives of your unborn children and you’d have to accept it as part of my plan. I could summon up a hefty batch of cancer and kill your grandma just because she didn’t bake enough cookies. Why haven’t I done some sort of world changing, life crushing disaster lately? Eh, I’ve been kind of out of it the past few centuries, gotta let my muscles rest before I get back in the game.
I thought I could sit down and write you this letter explaining how I’m sorry I haven’t been around lately, I just can’t seem to get over it though. I mean I’m a jealous god right? I can feel betrayed once in a while. Don’t be so needy America. I have the entire universe to look after. Money doesn’t grow on trees. I should know, it’s the one thing I can’t do. Fucking always reminding me of that too, PARENTS OF AMERICA. Can you create a world in seven days? No? So shut up about the money tree thing. I already know.
I’ve decided to send this to you, I wish I had time to write a better letter for you, but I damn it I have things to do. I’m only one God. You could have believed in polytheism, but no, I have to do all the work. Thanks.