This week it’s the night before this week’s piece is due and I decided to just give it to you all in one short 4 hour burst. I’m leaving nothing out because, guess what? I turn 34 in a few days and I can assure you that I am now too old to give a shit. About what, exactly? Exactly! I don’t give a shit! But in case you’re in a hurry here’s a handy table of contents:

Part 1: Self-Referential Whiny Stuff Written in Second Person Narrative
Part 2: A Brief Pause
Part 3: A Dirty Joke and A Stolen Line
Part 4: Gov. Chris Christie, The United States Flag, Whitney Houston
Part 5: Telepathic Communication With Marcus
Part 6: Black History Month
Part 7: Stars Are Cool
Part 8: Closing Remarks
Part 9: Week Links (Bill Hicks, Dyce the P, Chris Christie, Star Size Comparison

Here we go!

Today is your birthday. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear- Oh, I forgot, you hate people singing you Happy Birthday. Riddle me this? How come you don’t want all that attention when all you do is want all that attention? Not like that, you say. Nothing forced, eh? Well, isn’t that what you’re doing? Feigning emotion? Do you even still have a heart? Oh, I see, that green shriveled Grinch-like thing right there. No wonder you’ve got no rhythm, son…you’re skipping beats at random. I’d go and get that checked out. If I were you. Which I’m not.

You’re a fucking disgrace you know that? Do you know what everyone else is doing right now? Living. You, my friend, are dying. I’ve noticed you’ve chosen the slow way. Or perhaps you’ll do the stupid mistake route…a car accident perhaps? An overdose of shrimp mei fun, eh? You’re pathetic. You know it, I know it, they know it. No one’s going to actually say it to your face, you know, but you know you can read it.

Remember when you used to be happy? Neither do I. Let’s put it this way. You’re were always mostly miserable, but you had a hell of a lot more happy times. Now they are few and faaaaar between. You’re not only in the middle, you’ve wandered off the path into territories better left unmapped. You’re gonna be like Krapp’s Last Tape. Pacing around an apartment muttering conversations with pictures and videos and audio clips and even VHS cassette tapes. Alone.

Seriously, what happened to you? You used to be so…giving. Now you’re a selfish schizo. A narcissistic dipstick. What you should be doing is dipping your stick! Oh, right, tried that. Well, I never said it should be the same flavor. Of course, she took what you gave her. You didn’t really think you could save her, did you? And you still crave her, don’t you? One last insatiable sip to savor? Don’t do her the favor. Trust me, this point is well beyond belabored.

Wait. They’re watching you. Switch gears. Pretend it never happened. You deleted it. Yes, you deleted it.

…But it never goes away.

If you’ve made it this far, time to switch gears. But I really don’t know how to drive a stick. (That’s what she said.)

So I was driving home from work, listening to NJ 101.5 w. Dominski and Doyle. Their discussion today centered around an “issue” over NJ Gov. Chris Christie ordering the flag to be put at half mast for Whitney Houston’s funeral.

OK, so, first of all, that sentence is so full of utter ridiculousness that I just don’t know where to start…how about…

Why are we still arguing about the flag?

Dominski and Doyle were like two semantic sides of a meaningless coin. One guy argued that Christie was honoring someone who was from New Jersey and meant something to a lot of people. It’s a sign of respect, or something. The other guy argued that half mast is traditionally reserved for people who have done something heroic, or um, something that really mattered, made a difference, whatever…and that you shouldn’t open that door to entertainers, or something.

Now, I’ve called in at least five times on the show to share thoughts on various topics. This time I couldn’t. But what I would have said is, “Folks, the real question is…why are we still arguing over the symbolism of the flag? There are so many other things that actually mean something that are going on right now…who really gives a shit what Christie wants to do with his little flag.

What do Chris Christie and Pro Wrestling have in common? Run with it, folks.

Speaking of Christie, my good friend Kevin reminded me of a REAL issue that could’ve been discussed on the radio: How about the fact that Gov. Christie vows to veto the gay marriage bill that just passed in the state legislature? Because he believes that marriage is traditionally between a man and woman, he will veto the bill. But I don’t buy it. See, don’t get me wrong. I kind of like Christie. I appreciate that he wants to fix education though I’m almost certain he’s going about it the wrong way. But my deep inherent mistrust of any politician tends to override the fact that he may just be a decent guy who sincerely believes that he’s doing it all the right way. I just view him as a really good businessman and his primary goal is getting the NJ numbers to black. So, whatever.

The point is that it’s not about Christie, it’s about Whitney Houston. See what I did there? Pay attention people. So if I was to drop myself down a notch from meta-cognition to just regular old cognition, then I’d be able to take this flag argument seriously. And if I did take this flag argument seriously, I’d probably go with: Putting the flag at half mast for Whitney Houston is ridiculous. Well, that’s pretty much the same conclusion I reached in meta-cognition. Funny how it all connects that way. It’s ridiculous because: Whitney Houston was an amazing singer who touched many lives in a way that I don’t really understand. I can only assume it’s like how I feel about Peter Gabriel. But look, I don’t want to get into the details because I am too lazy to do the actual research. But, what has this woman done to earn the same symbolic privilege as PEOPLE WHO DIED IN BATTLE or DEAD PRESIDENTS? If anything, the way she faded out is a lesson in what NOT to do. A cautionary tale, if you will.

Oh, speaking of dead presidents, let’s go back to gay marriage. See what I’m doing here? Keep up people.

So call me a conspiracy nut, but I think the real reason we haven’t legalized gay marriage is that assimilating that cultural shift into the financial realm requires compromises, new laws…in short, HARD WORK. So Christie’s decision makes sense politically. He’s trying to get the state budget balanced. He’s not going to stick his neck out and be the one to legalize gay marriage and then have to integrate it into the financial bureaucracy. Not until some other state does it first or the federal government finally wakes up. It’s the same reason he won’t make it easier for cities to allow medical marijuana clinics in this state.

Hey, look, I don’t know. I dunno nuttin, OK? I hate talking politics unless it’s in a general this is all just temporal bullshit sense, and besides…

I guess the reason why I’m even talking about the damn flag is because it’s the anniversary of Bill Hicks’ death this week (Feb. 26, 1994) and I felt like sending him a prayer that said:

Dear Bill,

It’s 2012 and they’re still arguing about the fucking flag.

Kind Regards,
Marcus

"Happy Birthday dear Marcus!"

As for Peter Gabriel, I guarantee you that when he dies, this man who is right now doing yoga with his 100 yr old dad, bringing musicians around the world together, raising awareness about human atrocities across the globe, frequent attender of T.E.D. conferences, when he dies the American reaction will be: showing excerpts from the ‘Sledgehammer’ video and the scene from Say Anything where John Cusak holds the boombox blasting ‘In Your Eyes.’ That’s all they’ll remember of Peter Gabriel. The bastards.

Unfortunately, battery life has not improved since the 80s.

You are listening to a bodiless voice talk about Peter Gabriel. You quickly file through your brain’s recognition system. It quickly narrows to only person who would be talking about Peter Gabriel. Marcus D’Ambrose.

Focus Marcus, Focus! You shout telepathically and the waves disperse through the universe to Marcus D’Ambrose, in a bathtub, reciting verse…

No Marcus, No! Focus Marcus, Focus!

Marcus interrupts his new rendition of ‘Good Old Art’ to say aloud, “Hark! Is that a consciousness I hear?”

Yes, Marcus, Yes. You need to stop, now. You radiate empathy into Marcus, directly, discreetly, delicately.

Oh, I see, you mean…the world is not ready?

No, Marcus, No. The world is not ready.

* Sighs *

* Frowns *

Oh-Kay.

Oh, by the way, it’s Black History Month. Don’t just remember famous black people who made history, discover new legendary black people who are still making history. Someone that deserves to be recognized not only this month, but year ’round for their contribution to hip-hop, rap, masonic lore, sacred geometry, magick and women: My man Ryan Kates, a.k.a. Dyce the P. He’s dropping albums faster than he drops bitches. He’s more than just a token black friend, he’s a token human being! If we were in Middle Earth, he’d be a Tolkien human being!

So you know what I’m teaching in reading this week? STARS. Specifically, the life and death of a star. Stars are so cool–relatively speaking, of course! When you think of the life of an average star like our sun, measured in billions of years, it kind of makes things like politics and religion and blog posts and self-referential jibba jabba and insecurities and loneliness and suffering and forgiveness and redemption and healing and gay marriage and alien marriage and marriage of Earth and Heaven…when you think of all that, you realize, there’s room enough for it ALL, for everything. Countless stars, countless worlds, countless possibilities. Things like time and distance and scale become meaningless. It’s all connected and it’s all happening NOW on all states, levels, lines, types and quadrants. It all turned out OK, it’s all going to be OK, and it IS…

It is time to wrap up this week’s whack…no, wait, I’m not Douglas Palermo. It’s time to wrap up this week’s I HATE YOU ALL…no, wait, I’m not Noel Rogers. Dammit! I’m only the Marcus D’Ambrose. What a bum rap! What a flim flam! A shimmy shake! A lockdown! A letdown! A dirty, lowdown, consternating conswabble!

* Sighs *

* Grins *

Oh well, even the Great Chain of Being must have some weak links!

(cue lame pun)

So, I know you all dying to know what is new in the life of Shannon Doherty. Well, my dear, you are about to find out.

It is very late at night and I am rushing to do this (as always, unfortunately) and I should be sleeping. My love for my friends I do this with and the two other people reading this is stronger than my will to sleep. Fueled by this love, I will write this piece tonight if it kills me.

Let’s see, I believe I’ll start out with school. I am still attending college. This is my second semester at Dutchess Community College and so far it has not killed me. My teachers are lovely and mean well. Would you like to hear about my current projects? OKAY GREAT. Here they are!

Ceramics= I’m working on a project that requires two objects to be made, can be abstract or realistic, and they have to have a relationship/evoke emotion. They have to be either human or animal body parts or the entire body. I have chosen to do a pair of jellyfish. I am still working out exactly what form they will be (wall mounts or some sort of pedestal bowl thing or something). Over the next few days I have to come up with the final idea.

3D Design= I am finishing up my cardboard project. It is a door with a broken doorknob. It represents the concept of lost dependency. If you cannot rely on a doorknob, what can you rely upon? I was inspired by Claes Oldenburg’s giant broken button sculpture. I will have to begin the found objects project soon. This is essentially taking a bunch of found objects and creating my own work of art from them.

Art History= Well, this isn’t really a class I do projects in. I do have to get on making flashcards for the Aegean and Greek “knowns.” “Knowns” are works of art from history that I have to memorize the title, period, sub-period, and date/dynasty they are believed to be from. This coming test will require me to memorize about 60 of these. Woo hoo! GET PUMPED.

English 102= Again, no projects, but I do have to read Barn Burning by William Faulkner. My teacher is requiring us to write a “reader’s response essay” to this story, which is essentially just writing about something she tells us to that coincides with the story. I have not been doing so hot on those for some reason. My “this is bullshit” attitude must not be a good read for her.

This is basically what the angry customers are like.

Work has been pretty horrible. I mean, I haven’t been working too much and that is nice. I like not working. The downside to this is not getting paid much. Apparently, my bosses think I suck and hate me as an employee. They’ve been wanting me to do this bogus VIBE shit. I don’t really think I will get any more of a positive reaction from customers than I already do. If a customer gets mad, frustrated, or whatever, they probably feel this way because they don’t want to wait for things that are not instant (nothing is), they have been told incorrect information and I am telling them how it is, or they don’t like the price of something. There are other miscellaneous things customers get upset about, but those are the big ones I deal with. VIBE will not fix these. If it could, it would sound a lot more appealing to me. I don’t like people and I didn’t even care if I got the job or not when I was hired.

I am a GOOD employee because I can produce quality work and can problem solve fairly well.

I am a GOOD employee because I own up to my mistakes and am very up front with customers.

I am a GOOD employee because I don’t fuck around and I actually care about my standards of work.

On the other hand, I am a BAD employee because I could give a shit about corporate’s ignorant requests.

I am a BAD employee because I will not roll over for every customer that walks in and complains.

I am a BAD employee because I don’t make time to clean the entire department from top to bottom every time I close.

I am a BAD employee because I don’t worry about the meaningless small shit that does not affect anything except “numbers.”

Sounds like I need to get the hell out of retail, and if any of my managers/leads are reading this, don’t take it personally, I don’t hate you, just retail. You guys can be pretty awesome.

My personal life is kind of torn. My parents are still trying to disconnect me from my relationship that has been going on for an entire year now. They have blocked his number and ban me form sleeping over anyone’s house. They, also, try to get me home at a “reasonable” hour and to tell them where, when, and who I am going somewhere with. I can appreciate and understand the concern. But, seriously, I am not getting into trouble. I mostly just watch movies or shows, do homework, and sometimes go to a museum or go out and get food. I get that controlling me must be a blast, but after 19 years I’ve become so tired of it.

They want me to “communicate” with them. What that means is “Shannon, we realize that you are growing distant from us and we don’t want you to abandon us. Now go do chores.” When I was younger, I would honestly go weeks without talking to my parents. Communication? It was all yelling or empty small talk. Obviously, there were some moments of “communication,” but nothing I really remember. I was depressed for most of my life up until this point. I would barely talk to anyone. Now that I can drive and get away from the house for long periods of time, they want to “communicate” with me. Why would I want to communicate with people who are always trying to oppress me and my life choices?

Thank you for reading this, if you did. If you did not read this, well, then I am talking to no one aren’t I? How are you today no one? That’s fucking super.

Credits:
“The Martymorphosis” was written and created by Noel Rogers.
Inspiration and spiritual consultation by The Golden Teacher.
Okay, it’s kind of an old joke.
It’s The Crew!, 2004

If you’re hoping to avoid pain and death, you’re on a fool’s errand. Life is pain and it ends in death. Okay, life isn’t JUST pain — but suffering certainly seems to be a key aspect to it. If you try and shelter yourself from it you wind up either completely unprepared for it when it comes anyway or so dissatisfied with your safety that like the Buddha you reject the whole concept of safety and declare all of existence to be an illusion.

I am also reminded of an old Sufi tale about this sage on a sea voyage. At some point during the trip the ship hit a really bad storm, and while the boat tipped this way and that, while the seamen were running around barking orders and unrolling sails and bailing out water, while the other passengers were terrified and whimpering and praying, the sage sat in complete serenity. When the crisis passed someone took him to task, asking “How could you stay so calm, knowing that the only thing between you and a watery grave was a thin plank of wood?” And he responded, “I was able to remain calm by reflecting that, at many times, even on the land, there has been far less between me and death.” We are all of us at all times living in the shadow of the valley of death.

I knew a kid, my age, he was coming back from vacation summer after 6th grade. He unbuckled his seat-belt for a moment to turn and say something to his cousin in the backseat and at that moment someone hit them. Everyone else survived, he died in his mother’s arms on the side of the road. A kid younger than me, one of my cousin’s friends, out of the blue dropped dead at 15. Turns out he had some heart defect no one knew about.

I think the healthiest way to handle the idea that terrible things happen is to accept it. You can try to ignore it but still the horrors slip in like a thief through an unlocked window. You can embrace it and spread it, be a monster — but to what end? You can despair and see that all of life is misery and give up. Or you can accept it as an aspect of life, see it for what it is, and use it to measure the rest of your time. Enjoy what you have because it could be taken at literally any moment.

It’s like this: the world is a horrible place. When we came up, the last time we actually evolved, there was nowhere we were safe. There were giant animals everywhere that would catch us and eat us if we strayed from the pack, if we moved too far from the fire. Huge cats and wolves and wild hogs and giant bears and snakes — watch the middle five hours of the Peter Jackson King Kong and you will realize that all these giant monster animals fears are almost an encoded race memory from a time when things like that almost actually existed. And, over time, we have shone the light of civilization, beat back the threat of bloody nature, “red in tooth and claw.” Now when you hear about a giant animal killing a human it is probably an escaped zoo animal or the guy was some nut who tried to live with the bears. It’s just not the same anymore. But somehow the state of fear and terror of the external world never left us even as we defeated most of the external world, and today we need to have just as much fear and terror, only it’s almost all towards other humans and their artifacts and their actions. For better or worse we live in the world that the humans built, and maybe one day they will realize this and opt to change it into one with less need for fear and terror. This is, I believe, simply the way evolution works as we move from an animal’s awareness to the awareness of whatever we will eventually become. Man is a bridge between the ape and the superman, a bridge stretched over the abyss, as Nietzsche said, and it is this abyss that you are attempting to come to terms with.

Good luck, kid, you’re gonna need it.

“Noel Rogers” is the pseudonym of a group of Italian mathematicians who choose to work together in anonymity. Respect their privacy.

It’s hard to argue with that logic. Yet I will do just that. This is for all of you out there that hate on blogs, Facebook, Twitter, dating sights and anything else about the good ol’ Internet.

Let me start by saying that I agree, the Internet is a trap. There are a lot of negative side effects and weird socio-psychological issues we’ve never had to face before.

“The Internet has taken away our privacy/free-will/etc.”

If you’ve made it this far, you might remember when I explained why privacy has gone the way of the Dodo and you might as well accept it. It’s like when people complained about telegraphs, telephones and television. Sure, all of these things had their dark sides. The robber barons could send messages quicker, telemarketers could intrude on your life and TV is like taking black paint to your third eye. Yet I’m sure you’ll also agree that each of those things has brought amazing benefits to humankind. Faster communication with a wider range, famous phone pranks, classic TV shows like The Wire or Quantum Leap or Mr. Show, and so on. We’ve learned to deal with the bad sides of technology because the good sides are getting us somewhere. The next fucking level.

Privacy is bunk and you might as well learn to adapt to our new transparent reality. We can’t really have global peace and understanding unless all our dark secrets are exposed and expunged and humanity births a new apotheosis.  If we can do it in a virtual reality we can do it in this virtual world.

“People who spend too much time on Facebook/Twitter/etc. are lame and have no real life. There must be something wrong with them. It’s kind of sad.”

What’s sad is how narrow and limited your worldview must be.  My friend Douglas Palermo once said, “Facebook traps you in your own ego.  Twitter traps you in other people’s egos.”  Far be it for me to dispute my fellow Crew Elder, but really, what’s the difference?  I’m not about to debate Facebook v. Twitter.  I admit I love the part of my ego that is Facebook.  But I also like Facebook because the friends I’ve chosen are people that interest me and that share interesting things with me.  I’m actually less of a fan of the general status update unless it has some kind of cool spin on it.  I like Twitter because I get a glimpse into the psyche of people I don’t know.  Ironically, my actual cronies on Twitter bore the fuck out of me with their constant posts about sports.  But on Facebook I get to read articles and see pictures and videos that I might have otherwise never known existed.  In short, it’s called learning.

I’ll even admit that I probably spend too much time on Facebook and online in general.  But that’s a personal habit that needs to be worked on, not a reason to dismiss the whole thing as contributing to the destruction of humanity.

By the way, all those people who use social match sites like eHarmony, match.com, etc… There’s nothing wrong with that. Nothing. If anything, it widens the scope and is a hell of a lot easier than physically meeting one person at a time.

One thing that does piss me off though is that the Internet has contributed to the destruction of proper use of grammar.

“I only want to keep in touch with people that matter in my life right now. “

My roommate is a great guy. While I sit at home brooding on this blog every week, he’s out actually doing real things, with real people. He has a few primary social circles and regularly sees old friends from high school. Some of them were my friends at one time, and even though I live with him I haven’t seen or talked to them in years.

I’m pretty sure he thinks Facebook is lame and kind of a waste of time. He might say it insulates me and prevents me from going out and having real human interactions.

Fair enough. Nevertheless, I found something out a long time ago. Real human interactions are overrated. Sure, nothing beats face to face to contact, physical touch or shared moments together. Yet a lot of times hanging out is lame and/or boring.

The point is, I’d rather be at home connecting in some way with people I actually find interesting (and vice versa) than a bunch of people who don’t care if I’m there or not. Now, I’m no hermit (I’m recovering.) I do go out. I see friends. I just don’t feel a constant need to socialize. I’m comfortable with solitude and feel more creatively available to receive God Knowledge from the universe when I’m not inundated with social obligations.

Unless you’re a true social butterfly then chances are you don’t meet too many new people when you go out. You probably go out or hang out with the same people on a regular basis. Occasionally someone new will come into your life or you’ll be exposed to someone uniquely different than who you’re used to being around. Your sphere of potential experience actually becomes rather limited.

If you’re really passionate about something you may go out and seek others with similar interests. And what’s the most efficient way of doing that? THE INTERNET. I’m certainly not going to find any Dr. Dog fans among the people I interact with on a daily basis. They have shitty musical tastes and can’t open their minds enough to appreciate how good Dr. Dog is. Without the Internet it would take me a while to find Dr. Dog fans and talk about the band with them. Because of the Internet I can find any number or forums with fans discussing the music and lyrics. I’d have thousands of perspectives available to me. I might even hook up with some fans who live nearby and I never knew about it and we could all go see a concert together.

This is just one example. Now magnify out until you can truly understand the IMMENSE nexus of connections occurring every second on the internet. For the first time in this recorded history, human communication has become instant and global. I’m sorry, but that trumps living in a village, town or city where your talents and interests just don’t fit the norm.

In a lot of ways, the Internet has increased the potential for real world human interactions to take place. It has also increased the chances that like-minded people will be able to come together and share ideas quicker, leading to faster growth of ideas and concepts, which speeds up our evolution. Look how long it took us to get rid of slavery. Martyrs for the cause had to suffer and die over and over again until people finally got the point. Now, if we see an injustice happening we can record it right then and there, upload it to the world and expose the oppression. This increases the potential of a proper timely response and a nip-it-in-the-bud attitude to human atrocity.

The fact is that most of us have to work our assess off just to stay afloat and most unfortunately have little time to spend with all the people we care about. That’s why we limit our circles to “people who matter in my life right now.”  Yet with things like Facebook and Twitter and I can stay connected to people who do matter to me but for whatever reason I haven’t been able to see.

“So much of the Internet contains lies, misinformation, disinformation or other utter garbage.”

Yeah, well, so is much of reality.  Your consciousness is your filter.  Me, I trust my filter to interpret information appropriately in any context whatsoever.  It’s a case of taking the bad with the good.  You still can’t beat how fulfilling instant access to information is.

Actually, one of the Internet’s best features is the ability to get an answer right when you need it…now.  As Noel Rogers once pointed out, there’s simply no excuse for remaining ignorant on any subject when you can literally learn about it in the time it takes to say “I don’t know anything about that.”

And you know what, let these people spew their garbage.  I’d be a hypocrite to say otherwise, I suppose, since that’s what I’m doing every week.  And some people might say, “Why do you feel the need to share so much of yourself to everyone?  Do you think people really care?”  I don’t give a shit whether they care or not.  I’m just using the medium for its potential, not for the actuality of the response.  I know people are like me and trapped in their own egos and probably don’t give a shit.  So, fuck those people.

We all have that choice to follow something or forget it.  So if you don’t like someone, or what they write or do or whatever, you block them, defriend them, delete their comments from your posts, etc.  There are many ways to ignore someone on the internet. There is only one way to ignore someone face to face. In some ways it’s a lot easier to avoid or get rid of people on the Internet than it is in reality.  Just ask the ex-girlfriend who keeps stalking me with pictures of her five cats.

“Is there a point to all this?”

Yes.  The past is prelude.  Technology is our playground and we have a toddler attitude toward it.  We’re learning to mature with technology and that in turn will help us mature as a species.  Once our brains know how to do all this stuff externally then we can work on doing it internally by either integrating technology at a nano-scale or eliminating the need for it altogether.  Individual human consciousnesses linked to the Gaian server.  This is the in-between stage.

In the far soon future

As the Internet wanes

We’ll be uploading experiences

And rebooting brains

I’m going to apologize in advance if this post is weak or lame. I feel like garbage and am soooo not motivated. Well, here goes nothing.

“They can’t understand us! Why can’t you grasp that?!”

“I need to get out! Let me out! I don’t want to die! Please!”

“Shut the fuck up already. You’re making this worse for all of us. You know what they do when you…”

“Somebody help me! Please let me out! Let me…”

There is an abrupt sound. Squeeling.

Then, tapping. Echoes.

A hushed whisper “Don’t say a word, you hear me? Don’t you fucking scream.”

There is a hall. A dim light emulating from it. Shadows march along the wall.

There is a figure at the opening. Contour of a monster.

Whimpering scatters around the room like discovered mice.

Suddenly, a bright light. Death? No. The room is blinding. It slowly calms, allows focus.

The monsters are gathered around the one who screams. Sweat punctures the air with its salty fear. The screamer is dripping.

“No. No. No. No. No! No! No! Please! Don’t do this to me! No! Please, just-just let me go! Please! Stop! Oh God, please!”

He is taken down from the line. His binds are tightened and cut deep into his flesh. His screams pierce the monotonous sound of shuffling…feet? No. Not feet. Hooves.

They take him from the room. Darkness falls with the silence his absence brings.

“Shit. Shit they took him! They took him! What are we going to do?! I don’t want to die!”

“For God’s sake shut the fuck up. We need to think! Screaming obviously doesn’t do any good. All it’s done is inflict fear and pain. Now just-just let me think about the situation.”

“How much thinking can you expect us to do when all of the blood is rushing to our heads, or at least whatever isn’t pouring out of our god damn gashes?”

“Please, just stay calm. We need to work together. Okay, so, did anyone get a good look at them before they left?”

“Eh, seemed like animals.”

“Just saw a bunch of hooves, didn’t want to be lookin’ around too much.”

“Seems we can only assume they’re not human and that we are not safe in here. I doubt they won’t come back for another one of us.”

“What should we do? I have a family! I need to get out of here!”

“Alright! Well, anyone with a suggestion feel free to throw them out there because I only know I’m upside down, bleeding, tied up, and that we’ve been stuck in this fucking room for too damn long and I want to get the fuck out of here.”

“We’re all in she same boat here.”

“What if we make them come in here and take a bunch of us down, then we spring an attack on them?”

“We could try biting through the binds?”

“I doubt we could reach the binds on ourselves, but maybe we could try swinging ourselves towards the person next to us?”

There is a chorus of ropes rubbing against themselves. The sound of squeaking, wet shoes on a linoleum floor. Grunts and gasps come from the desperate men.

“It’s no use. I can’t grab the rope in my mouth.”

“Me neither.”

“Yeah, me neither.”

“Fuck. Can’t get it.”

“Alright, well, we tried. Let’s strategize some more. What are our exits? There seems to be only one hallway out of this room. I would imagine they have a number of guards for this hell hole. Assuming these fucks understand strategy.”

“I just want to go home.”

“I know, believe me, we all do. Just help think of ways to get out of here so we can.”

A loud sound echoes from the hall to the room. A door slams. They know they will never escape.

Credits:
“Pigasus W.” was written and created by Noel Rogers.
Inspiration and spiritual consultation by Douglas Palermo.
Bush won the election. Sorry.
It’s The Crew!, 2004

Jesus saith unto him, Thomas, because thou hast seen me, thou hast believed: blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed. (John 20:29)

I’m just going to put this one right out there. Fuck faith. People talk about faith like it’s a good thing, a positive thing. It’s not. Faith is a bunch of crap. Well, okay, no. I guess SOME faith is unavoidable. I am taking it on faith that the world I experience outside of myself actually exists and is not a product of my imagination or a show put on for my benefit. Et cetera. When I say faith, I mean, like all the other pundits of my day, RELIGIOUS faith. It’s a bunch of crap. A holdover from when our brains weren’t wired as tight and we were all tripping balls daily.

Like Batman!

If there’s one thing that sets us apart from all the other animals and other living beings, it’s our ability to think about things rationally and figure shit out. That’s why we’re the ones who developed tools and tech to harness and exploit the cheat codes to the physical universe, and not say muskrats. Also, we have opposable thumbs, and binocular vision. But the rational mind is pretty important to being human. Faith is a complete reversal of rationality; instead of observing the phenomenon of the world and puzzling out their ways and means, it throws up blinders and tries to shoehorn everything into a pre-existing vision.

And it mixes metaphors!

The problem with faith is that there’s too many completely contradictory belief systems that are ALL asking to be taken on faith. If there was like, one God? And like, one religion? Maybe faith would make sense. But when you have like forty-seven competing religions each demanding faith in them and them alone, how can you tell which one to pick? To say nothing of the 900 different sects in Christianity alone, each certain theirs is the only way to escape damnation. The quote at the top of the piece is from the Gospel of John, and the hilarious story of Doubting Thomas. Thomas, or Didymos to his friends, was skeptical that Jesus, a man he saw executed and dead, was alive again. It was something like this.

Disclaimer: This is a dramatization.

THOMAS: Gee guys, that’s a pretty wild claim. Got anything you can, you know, like, back it up with? I mean, I’m not saying I’m a nonbeliever or anything but, come on, if you were me and someone told you a dead guy had risen again, you’d be a little skeptical too.

MATTHEW: Whatever, loser.

LUKE: Your gospel is going to be considered apocryphya anyway.

JESUS: Sup, dawgs.

THOMAS: Holy shit, it’s Jesus! He appeared in a locked room!

JESUS: Yes, a locked room mystery. Where’s Ellery Queen when you need him?

Okay, he didn't really say that.

So anyway Jesus has Thomas stick fingers in his puncture wounds, not for some weird sex reason as you might think, but to provide “proof,” or “evidence.” And Thomas is convinced, whereupon Jesus reprimands him, saying that “blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.” In your face, Doubting Thomas! You got served! Except, oh, shit. Wait. If I haven’t seen, why would I believe one particular religion over any other? And I’m going to be punished if I pick wrong? What kind of fucked up game is this? But remember, if you try to apply any rational line of thought, or any logical selection, you are no longer taking it on faith. And let’s be honest. Most religious belief simply does not hold up under rational analysis. You know it, I know it. That’s why discussions on these matters rapidly devolve into a series of emotional reactions. Because they just can’t stand up to reason. The True Believers, of course, claim that it is this very lack of rational underpinning that PROVES it must be true! Conspiracy theorists say the same thing when their beliefs are questioned. So do crazy people. You, me, we’re not these types. We can talk honestly and real for a moment. Most religious belief simply does not hold up under rational analysis. The more you study it, the more it reveals itself to be a house of cards. Of nonsense.

You might very well think that; I couldn't possibly comment.

Now before you get mad at me, remember, you probably don’t really even believe what you claim you have faith in. Like for instance, if you happen to be a Christian, there’s pretty clear scriptural instructions, from Jesus himself, that you must give away all your possessions. (Matthew 19:21, Luke 12:33, Luke 18:22, etc.) It’s right there, in red print. You own anything? Then you’re not really a Christian, now are you. Before you want to judge people who want the right to abortion, or same sex marriage, or whatever, worry about your own failure to follow the word of your Lord. Don’t concern yourself with removing specks from their eyes until you have removed the plank from yours. (Matthew 7:3-5) Jesus had A LOT to say about hypocrites. And unfortunately, the motherfuckers keep multiplying. Remember that cornball who got the tattoo on his arm, the infamous quote from the book of Leviticus that says that dudes laying down with dudes is an abomination?

You remember, this asshole.

And everyone laughed at this idiot because in the very next chapter of Leviticus it also says, don’t get tattoos. What a maroon! Like, how committed can he be to the book of Leviticus, and to the God who dictated it, if he can’t even keep track of its laws? Might as well suck a cock now, dude, you’re already done as far as ol’ YHWH is concerned. Or go whole hog, literally, and eat some pork! (Leviticus 11:7) What I’m saying is, we all laughed at this dipshit, and rightly so, but really? You’re all in the same boat as him. Christians with possessions, I mean. You don’t even follow what you say you follow. You don’t believe what you say you believe. You strain out the gnat and swallow the camel. (Matthew 23:23) And it’s not just Christians. They’re just an easy target because they’re loud and annoying and they’re everywhere. And they leave their scriptures in every hotel room where anyone can do the research. Probably if I did the research I could shit on all you Muslims and Jews and Hindus and Buddhists too, dig up the proof of how you don’t really follow the religion you claim faith in, but honestly it’s late and this thing was due an hour ago. Not like anyone reads this anyway.

This is apparently the most used picture of ghost town tumbleweed on the Internet.

And like, that’s not even the point. Even if you were completely 100% sincere and consistent in the ridiculous made-up shit you decide to take someone else’s word for, that’s still lame. It’s out. See here. What I’m trying to get at is that faith is stupid. It doesn’t make any sense, and by its own lights that is its greatest strength. Faith is for the weak. Fuck you.

Noel Rogers is the voice of one crying in the wilderness.

This week, experiments in trite piffle, or as my soon-to-be-sainted Nana likes to say, “That Rosie O’Donnell…I like her.”  Warning:  The road gets lumpy from here on in…

Lucid dreaming

Loosely scheming

I used to be used to these

ludicrous meanings

I am the voices in your head.  You lay in bed, sleeping.  Meanwhile, I keep scheming.  These distorted scenes, your waking mind’s disbelieving. I remix your daytime and leave you fiendin’.  Half awake, half asleep, pleadin’.  One more night, one more trip, one more meaning.  Get outside your head, get out of bed, we’re leaving.

Ecto-Bubble – to protect them from you.

Ecto-Bubble – it’s invisible too!

Ecto-Bubble – reflecting all judgment.

Ecto-Bubble – honestly, it’s no trouble.

Ecto-Bubble – abhors what fails ‘ya.

Ecto-Bubble – now compatible with Merkaba.

Ecto-Bubble – always be ready for now.

Ecto-Bubble – for instant absorption.

Ecto-Bubble – small enough to fit in your closet, big enough to fit in your universe.

Ecto-Bubble – karmically cathartic.

Ecto-Bubble – hover mode not included.

Ecto-Bubble – connecting you with all of Us.

Ecto-Bubble – collect all 48 flavors.

Ecto-Bubble – when you’re jonesin’ for some pheromones.

Ecto-Bubble, brought to you by the makers of Make Things!™

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Things like… Make Things! That Help People™  – Make Things! That Heal People™ – Make Things! That Teach People™ – Make Things! That Make People Laugh™ –   Make Things! That People Will Love To Make For Others™

(Make Things! That Hurt Others™ is no longer available.)

Eat your heart inside out, Monty Python.

Salvador Dali

Hopped on a trolley

But the road soon came to a split

Recognizing folly

Salvdor Dali

Stepped off the trolley.

See, in different dimensions your inventions are useless.  I know you will try and refute this.  But you’re only tooting your proverbial stupidness.  People are suffering and you think there’s a Crew for this?  What hope is your futile minutia?  Everything fades into a permanent shade of fuscia.

^ violation:  inside joke ^

If you’ve made it this far, welcome to the Easter Egg.  All you had to do was scroll down to find it!  Unfortunately, it’s not Easter.  Come back then and you will find the real surprise hidden in these diatribes.

A fool might be right only some of the time.  But a wise man has to spend most his time being wrong.

This is the change-up.  Now.  Time to keep your game up.  Don’t interrupt the flow or lame up.  We’ve had enough of your gruff egomania.  Therapy would only barely contain ya.  If you wanted to suffer, you should’ve been an entertainer.  Meanwhile, your life holds you on retainer.  Waiting for you to catch a clue and claim her.  Your Ecto-Bubble should’ve come with a personal trainer.

Are you OK? I mean, really OK? I wouldn’t want you to be worried. This is all par for the course, tit for the tat, this is where it’s at and you know that’s that.