Howdy Timewaves, welcome to the sixty-seventh apocryphon of HACK. If you’ve made it this far, will this be as far as we can go?
It’s The Crew has known about the 12/21/12 “prophecies” way back when most of you were still mocking the Y2Kers. In our sphere of influence, we were the only ones talking about the proverbial Mayan end-date, Terence McKenna’s Timewave Zero, the coming Earth changes, and the impending spiritual ascension of planetary consciousness. Everyone else looked at us like we were crazy. Ten years and one shitty blockbuster movie later and suddenly everyone was crazily feeding into whatever end-of-the-world scenarios fit into their singular reality tunnels.
By the way, what exactly does “end-of-the-world” mean? Because see, even if there’s global nuclear detonation and Earth becomes a charred ball, Earth will still be here. So really, when people talk about the end-of-the-world, what they really mean is end-of-humanity or end-of-the-world as we know it.
Actually, my favorite 12/21/12 “theory” is my own: convincing everyone that 2012 is a hoax IS THE HOAX and something WILL ACTUALLY HAPPEN.
But I’m not here to prophecize or proselytize. As far as I’m concerned, there IS a spiritual shift in collective consciousness happening. It has been happening all along and it will continue to happen well past this Friday. If current accounts are correct, 12/21/12 is just a temporal marker, the end of a cycle. At any point after that shit might really get crazy. Who knows? I certainly don’t. Which is why, back in 2009 during the writing of Heroes and Hierophants, I had some fun writing the piece below. I hope you enjoy reading it.
12/21/12 – THE FUCKEDOCALYPSE™
On December 21, 2012…
Marcus hides out in Egypt. The Mayan calendar ends. Novelty crashes to zero and resets. Separate egos dissolve. All living creatures on Earth become One Mind. A global organism emerges, becoming fully conscious for the first time. Nuclear war. Your own personal myth about the end of the world happens to you. Nano-machines become self-aware, take over the world. Global climate change. Jesus returns to judge the living and the dead. Hell on Earth. Heaven on Earth. Life extension capabilities increased to over a century. Zombies eat brains. Alex Nonnemacher goes about his day. Ability to transfer consciousness into other physical forms. Time travel in 3rd person perspective. Integral spirituality taught in schools. History ends. Everything stays just as it is. Aaron Kliger drowns in a sea of absurdity. Aliens make first contact, revealing themselves to be the true source of our myths, galactic angels who are really us at a further stage of evolution. I dialogue with my future self. Solar flare destroys all electrical power and communication planet-wide. Teleportation invented; ability to thought project anywhere in the known universe. Humans begin to colonize other moons and planets in this solar system. We are swallowed by a black hole. Telepathy abounds. Fantasy realities merge with the physical realm instantaneously. Carmen Sandiego and Waldo found fucking in a forest. We are thrust into cartoon reality. Barack Obama is ————-. Currency is abolished. A heated debate over the legal rights of clones. Techniques for neurological meta-programming are perfected. Kingfox leads the Internet Revolution. Everything looks like an Alex Grey painting. A planet-wide BAD TRIP. Humans develop the ability to meaningfully communicate with most animal and plant species on Earth. The Post-Ridiculous Era ends, the Meta-Mutagenic Millenium begins. We discover and learn to harness the relatively infinite energy output of the sun. Dinosaurs are re-created. Biological male/female genders are transcended, creation of a new species of humans. Anarchy. Fucking in the streets. Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law. The other nut descends. Bodhisattvas will remain. Good and evil are transcended and included. Rapture. Bill Hicks does stand-up with Hendrix on harp. When encountering another living creature, we will be able to instantly access any memory of being together with that “soul” in any of our past lives. December 21, 2012 marks the beginning of a relatively short and dramatic shift in human evolution, imperceptible for decades until its full implications emerge. Noel gets laid. Mankind is enslaved by corporations and evil robots. Crop circles are translated. Historians are able to recall any object’s personal journey through history in precise replicated detail. The Anti-Christ resigns. I’ll be in the bathtub…let me know when this is all over. Brahman wakes from dreaming. Portals to other dimensions open up over Egyptian and Mayan pyramids, para-dimensional entities start coming through. SAW X. Unilateral world peace is declared by all current governments. It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine. Genesis reunites with Peter Gabriel. There is an exponential acceleration of information (i.e., negative entropy.) Psychedelics are used responsibly to facilitate psychological healing and growth. Intelligence increases. Stability reached in the Middle East. Nothing happens. I’m still alive. Whatever happens, I will be ready. Whatever happens, I won’t be ready. Whatever was supposed to happen won’t happen because we are not ready. Whatever is going to happen will happen whether we are ready or not. On December 21, 2012, the revolution will be live. All of the above. Some but not all of the above. None of the above. Choose your own exigency…
Towel Boy will meet y’all around the next cycle.