I don’t believe I’m afraid to die.
Death is a strange thing. It will happen. There is no reason I should believe I will live forever. It its own way, that would also be like dying. I would be empty and void of purpose. Why would I want to live as a human with emotions and thoughts if I couldn’t be relived of the heavy burdens they create. I have a friend who always says she will live forever. I hope she doesn’t. Or, at least, I hope she is able to accept the kind of life that will be. A life of loss and detachment, forever. I am comforted to believe that someday I will no longer have to worry about this place. It can be wonderful, but it is so heavy to carry.
I am not certain why I bring up death. I suppose it is something that is always relevant. I am tired and I would like to sleep for what feels like a lifetime. I suppose that is what prompts me. I was looking up famous last words a few hours ago as well. Lucky you I didn’t decide to discuss the fetal pig I had to dissect today in bio.
I just wish people would stop thinking of death as some horrifying and sorrowful event. I mean, it is selfish of us to wish them alive still when, according to many peoples’ god, it was their time to go. It is, of course very sad to no longer have the physical companionship of someone we care for. Or even to know that it makes someone you know sad. Death will happen whether by sickness, or other means, it will come around eventually. Parts of us die every second. Our cells are constantly dying.
I once watched this movie with Noelie called Dreams directed by Akira Kurosawa. It is a collection of dreams the director had throughout his life and the last one features a funeral. It was like a parade for a celebration of sorts. It made me think of the mournful black covered funerals we have in our culture. I would rather attend a funeral that was focused on positivity and optimism for the deceased. I would like people to remember me and smile because they remember the amazing memories we share and that I don’t have to work at Staples anymore. It would be okay to cry, I wouldn’t think you’re stupid for crying. I wouldn’t even mind if you were naked and running though the streets shouting my name in grief. You do you. I personally wouldn’t do that but hey, maybe that’s what makes you feel better.
There are so many ways to leave this life. People say they are afraid of death. What are they really afraid of? Is it the uncertainty? the change? the letting go? the cause? Regardless, I don’t think that most people are afraid of the moment of death. I think they are fearful of the before and after.
The only part about death that I fear (in my current state) is the before. I fear the cause. I know I will more than likely get cancer, and/or heart disease, and/or diabetes. Those don’t scare me. What scares me is pain. I would rather not die in agony.
I would prefer to die in as much joy as I can bear. I want to smell clean laundry and freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. Feel the warmth of the sun caress my skin. I want to open my eyes and see beautiful colors and visions. Unimaginable sights that comfort me and make me feel so calm. I want to feel death wrap me in its arms and carry me off to bed so I can finally rest.
I am not mistaken for how my death will most likely occur. I will probably be in some hospital with loved ones crying all around me. It will be a sad ordeal. There’s always a chance there will be cookies.