I’m just going to put this one up in the air, because I guess someone has to. There is no legitimate argument against same-sex marriage. None! Or rather, put more accurately, any legitimate argument against same-sex marriage is also an argument against marriage itself in general. That’s the shape of it. I’d rather be talking about Batman villains right now, but there we are. What? You’re confused? Oh, no, I didn’t say there weren’t any arguments against same-sex marriage, just that they’re all stupid and wrong! Let’s run down some of them so I can underline this point.
Posts in category History
I Don’t Belong Here: Same-Sex Marriage? More Like LAME-Sex Marriage!
HACK № 39: A Conspiracy of Blessings
Howdy Mediocritons, welcome to the thirty-ninth extremity of HACK. If you’ve made it this far, I’ll go out on a limb if you promise to catch me when I fall.
Dichotomies: What are we going to do about them? What aren’t we going to do about them? Is one side more real or more preferred than the other? Or do they exist simultaneously depending upon the conscious observer? Do my rhetorical questions have answers? Or are the answers simply more questions? I could do this all night folks, or I could not. Let’s pick the latter and move on. READ MORE »
I Don’t Belong Here: Marriage Is For Tools
Marriage is for tools. Now wait, before the irrational reptilian part of your brain begins to immediately object. Let me explain. I do not mean to imply that if you are married, you are a tool. I am actually trying to directly come and state it. That marriage is for tools. You tool. Okay. NOW feel free for your reptilian emotional response. I’m just saying, I’m not drinking the Kool-Aid on this one, gang. Inflammatory remarks aside, marriage is an antiquated social institution that dates back to the days when human beings were considered property. Like? SLAVERY. Just. Saying. People aren’t property. Humans have invented all sorts of new meanings for marriage on a semantic and social level, but at the underlying core it is still about property. At least that’s how I see it through the lens of my outsider logic.
I Don’t Belong Here: Bullet Points
If I should die tomorrow, or for that matter any day after today, or if you’re reading this 100 years from now and so I’m probably dead at this point — regardless, when I am gone, I hope that I am remembered for more than just “HE RUINED MY LIFE” (which I didn’t) or “HE FUCKED MY GIRLFRIEND” (which I probably did — sorry). I would want to be remembered for more than the time I was a toddler and my mother found me dancing in the toilet in sleeper pajamas. As someone that has lived his life on an almost purely cerebral level, I would rather be remembered for the ideas I have created and or added to and or spread around. Long-time readers (all five of you) and people that have read my books (which might raise the number to eight) will be familiar with most of the points I keep bringing up again and again. For everyone else, if I die tomorrow, here’s some bullet points for you to consider:
I Don’t Belong Here: Good Friday
Today is Good Friday. Unless you’re a particularly religious person, it’s probably not a really important holiday to you. Unlike Christmas which celebrates Jesus’s birth and Easter which celebrates his resurrection, Good Friday never really became a massive commercial secular success. Fifth-rate Catholic holidays like St. Valentine’s Day and St. Patrick’s Day have had much more luck crossing over into the mainstream. And why? I don’t know, but I suspect that it is because the holiday commemorating Jesus’s death isn’t one that people want to be reminded of. Unlike shopping, candy, unhealthy emotional attachments and binge drinking, the grisly execution of the savior is certainly not a cause the people want to be encouraged to spend money over:
V/O: Come on down to Crazy Gerard’s Hardware Outlet for our Good Friday sale! All lumber and nails, 25% off!
JESUS, ON CROSS: These savings…. are killing me!
(END)
I Don’t Belong Here: Fuck St. Patrick’s Day
You know what? St. Patrick wasn’t even Irish. He was something else that I am too lazy to look up (or not — he was Welsh) and was taken from his family by marauding hordes of Irishmen. Whether they were painted green history doesn’t record but they were probably as drunk as the marauding hordes of assholes getting all puffed up because it’s getting to be St. Patrick’s Day. You know what really pisses me off? When someone says “On St. Patrick’s Day, everyone’s Irish!” What an arrogant and presumptuous statement. What other holiday has the balls to be so culturally insensitive? Can you imagine it elsewhere? “On Yom Kippur, everyone’s Jewish!” “On Earth Day, everyone’s a hippie!” “On Nasmas, everyone loves Illmatic!” Name one other cultural group that gets a special parade for their holiday.
"Don't look at me! I have nothing to do with this lame-ass holiday!"
I Don’t Belong Here: This Is Not Enough
Francis Fukuyama wrote this pretty famous essay in 1989, The End Of History, later expanded into book form in 1992. The fall of the Berlin Wall had just happened, and with it the decades-long Cold War started to finally evaporate like the bad dream it was. Fukuyama argued that this end of the Cold War was not just any other old event in mankind’s history, but rather the end of history itself. That mankind had, with the victory of Western liberal democracy over the Evil Empire of communism, achieved the final point of human society and government. Western. Liberal. Democracy. In other words, Fukuyama looked around the world he lived in — in 1989, no less — and said “Yep, this is it! We’ve done it! It can’t get any better than this!”
And boy oh boy, I couldn’t possibly disagree more. READ MORE »
I Don’t Belong Here: The Other Sweet Science
I was bored. That’s how most of my stories begin. I was bored, so I started photoshopping word balloons onto pictures of my friends. I was bored, so I plotted a scenario to drive my girlfriend out of my life. I was bored, so I stopped going to my classes. In this case, I was bored, so I started shooting rubber-bands. This was at work, where the nature of the job dictates long periods of intense boredom punctuated by heavy bursts of frantic and desperate activity. This was the former. Hence the being bored, which I will keep hammering on until you are just as bored as I was. READ MORE »
HACK № 31: Hack History Month
Howdy Leapers, welcome to the 31st leftover rotation of HACK. If you’ve made it this far, it’s only because we’ve made it this far together.
So I’m writing this on my birthday. Yep, true story. READ MORE »
I Don’t Belong Here: Digressions, 2004-2012
For the first time ever, here’s all the Digressions! Digressions #1, #2, and #3 were originally published in If You Don’t Give Me Heaven. Digressions #5 and #6 were originally published in Heroes And Hierophants. Digression #3 has never been published anywhere, and Digression #7 is brand spanking new! Whatever THAT means.
Digression #1: The Kingdom of Heaven and the nature of magic
Digression #2: Everything vs Nothing, Jesus, and Conway’s Game of Life
Digression #3: The Existence Of God and Crypto-Solipsism
Digression #4: Metaphorical evil and the EZ-Pass
Digression #5: December 21st, 2012
Digression #6: The Eye in the Triangle
Digression #7: People don’t believe what they believe they believe
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