Howdy Consumers, welcome to the twenty-first ornamentation of HACK. If you’ve made it this far, remember that the best gift you’ll ever get is your present.

This week I present you with an alternate reality adventure that is presently in progress…

A SANTA STORY

“You’d be surprised how much room there is in a chimney.”

Santa Claus slid down the sooty surface like it was a water slide.  I clumsily clambered downward; hands, knees and backside pressed up against the brick.

“Just let go and enjoy the ride!”  he called from the blackness below.

I figured, what the hell, it’s Santa Claus.  It’s not like he would let me die—again.  So I let go and felt the grating ash on my backside.  Suddenly a force pushed upward against my body.  I could feel my jeans getting extremely warm but my upper half was freeze-burned, dirty and stuck.

“HO HO HO!”

The silly bastard laughed at everything.  He laughed exactly the same way every time.  It never got old.  I felt grips around each of my ankles.  Santa yanked and I emerged through flames into a cozy, hobbit-sized room.

“You know, hobbits originated from a dwarf-elf half breed,” Santa said.  He reached into the fireplace and pulled out a steaming clay pot.

“Tea?”

He poured a hot steaming purple substance into a reindeer mug and its nose lit up red.  He then produced two bottles, poured absynthe into one of the reindeer mug’s antlers and hot sake into the other.  They dribbled and mixed into the tea which hissed and bubbled for a second. I took a sip and felt the warm, delicious drip hit me.

I smirked.  “So what are you, some lame secret agent or something?”

“Nope, just a spirit, loosely manifested by the myths of various tribes and religions,” Santa said.

He leaned back in reverie… READ MORE »