He sits in the back corner of the corridor-pink glow waiting like anything has not ever happened. Sip after sip, ankle turn after ankle turn over the other knee, deeper into the corner he slips after his eyes travel across the diner’s muted horizon. READ MORE »
I would like to take time out of my life to discuss Rumpelstiltskin with you.
He is fucking stupid. READ MORE »
I don’t think it’s a big secret that I love Batman. In my personal pantheon he ranks somewhere on the level of Jesus Christ and Bugs Bunny. And there’s a lot of reasons for that. Mostly because Batman is awesome. Obviously. But the reason I am going to explore today is because of all the things I learned from Batman. Or at least as many as I can name off the top of my head.
I don’t mean necessarily in terms of the wit and wisdom of Bruce Wayne. I don’t mean like anything the character directly said, necessarily. I mean more in terms of all the interesting things I learned — life lessons, fascinating trivia, obscure authors — through my contact with Batman in various forms of media for the three+ decades of my life.
Howdy Authobiographicals, welcome to the forty-third exposé of HACK. If you’ve made it this far, don’t forget the footnotes.*
Insensatography (n.) – the life story, real or otherwise, of an inanimate object.
Howdy Meltedcheesedeks, welcome to the forty-second continuation of HACK. If you’ve made it this far, there’s a silver lining just over that horizon behind you.
OK folks, here’s how this is going to play out. First I write a few self-referential paragraphs to get it out of my system, while simultaneously holding everything else in. Next, a nice little story about Vineland, NJ to help us forget that any of this is (not) real. Finally, a bunch of unrelated, recently taken pictures. If we have a deal, you may read on… READ MORE »
I don’t think it’s a big secret that I love Batman. True story: between the ages of say 15 and say 25, Batman was a recurring character in my dreams. To say I have something of an obsession with Batman is an understatement. And yet, almost fantastically, I have never really written about Batman. Ever. And I think that I would like that to change. So this week, Ten Batman Villains I Would Like To See More Of: READ MORE »
The use of The Holy Bible as a reference is absurd. I can rely on The Diary of Anne Frank more than The Holy Bible. At least her diary is a first person account of someone who had been labeled and ended up being sacrificed. The Holy Bible isn’t even Jesus writing anything down or a scribe documenting his life and the important lessons he wanted to teach. It’s a bunch of stories, lineage, and rules. Why should this compilation of SOME guys’ stories (not even all of them) form the basis of peoples’ beliefs? READ MORE »
Howdy Contestants, welcome to the thirty-fifth reality show of HACK. If you’ve made it this far, remember that this game is to the death.
So this week I’m going into full hypocrite mode. I haven’t read The Hunger Games, haven’t seen the movie, and I don’t plan to anytime soon. Therefore, I’m about to hate on something that I know very little about except for the synopsis.
If you’re one of those people who is all wet in the ass over the books and movie, you’re probably gearing up to hate on my hate and tell me why I don’t know what I’m talking about and that The Hunger Games is really good. And therein lies the rub. I believe you. It’s not The Hunger Games I have a problem with, per se, it’s YOU. READ MORE »
Francis Fukuyama wrote this pretty famous essay in 1989, The End Of History, later expanded into book form in 1992. The fall of the Berlin Wall had just happened, and with it the decades-long Cold War started to finally evaporate like the bad dream it was. Fukuyama argued that this end of the Cold War was not just any other old event in mankind’s history, but rather the end of history itself. That mankind had, with the victory of Western liberal democracy over the Evil Empire of communism, achieved the final point of human society and government. Western. Liberal. Democracy. In other words, Fukuyama looked around the world he lived in — in 1989, no less — and said “Yep, this is it! We’ve done it! It can’t get any better than this!”
And boy oh boy, I couldn’t possibly disagree more. READ MORE »
For the first time ever, here’s all the Digressions! Digressions #1, #2, and #3 were originally published in If You Don’t Give Me Heaven. Digressions #5 and #6 were originally published in Heroes And Hierophants. Digression #3 has never been published anywhere, and Digression #7 is brand spanking new! Whatever THAT means.
Digression #1: The Kingdom of Heaven and the nature of magic
Digression #2: Everything vs Nothing, Jesus, and Conway’s Game of Life
Digression #3: The Existence Of God and Crypto-Solipsism
Digression #4: Metaphorical evil and the EZ-Pass
Digression #5: December 21st, 2012
Digression #6: The Eye in the Triangle
Digression #7: People don’t believe what they believe they believe
Howdy Gumshoes, welcome to the twenty-seventh unsolved enigma of HACK. If you’ve made it this far, it’s time to put all the clues together.
However, I can alleviate the guilt of reposting this previously published piece by reminding myself that unless you’ve read Heroes and Hierophants, then you’ve never read this piece.
The topic was The Scene of the Crime. Write the last scene of a detective story where the detective is revealing who dunnit to the other characters.
What came to my mind for the assignment was that old joke about the pink ping-pong balls. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you can watch a perfect version of it below. But first, it all begins at the bottom of a well…
Chapter 27: The Cosmic Egg
“Get up kiddo.”
*Yawn.* “Aw c’mon. I told you all I know.”
“I don’t doubt it, you don’t know much. Now GET UP!”
The kid did as she was told. They always do. Maybe it’s because I used to be a classroom teacher. Maybe it’s because kids are just stupid. At least, that’s what they want us to think. Take this little shit here. Tenacious T. She’s barely 13 and caught up in a plot to destroy the world. I’ve had her in lockup for the past 24 hours. She’s the only one who knows whodunnit and no one else can make her talk. No worries. This bird will sing.
“Get it over with old man. I ain’t got all night. Brainwash or torture?”
“Neither. I’m cuttin’ you loose.”
“What? Well… GOOD!”
Here it comes. You can see it in the eyes…
“So I’m no use to you anymore?”
Bingo. They’re all the same–first they hate your guts, then they don’t want to leave.
“Nah kid. Your mom gave me 24 hours to make you crack. Looks like I don’t have what it takes anymore.”
She smiled in triumph and floated out of the abandoned wishing well. Damn kids and their superpowers.
Howdy Protagonists, welcome to the seventeenth subplot of HACK. If you’ve made it this far, be sure to cite your sources.
It’s 5:00 AM on Sunday morning. I’ve been awake for 90 minutes. There’s a vague memory of planning to see Noelie at Diane’s at around 8:00 last night. Apparently my body needed a deep dreamless sleep instead.
So I’m up now. Just got back from Wawa with a 24 oz. cup of 2 green tea and 2 chamomile tea bags. I’m ready to write. Except, well, I’m really not in the right mood to write.
“Mood? What has mood to do with it? Mood’s a thing for cattle or making love or playing the baliset.” –Gurney Halleck
I’m not even in the mood to write a review of other people’s writings. So instead I’ve hacked off some pieces of Amazon editorial descriptions and Wikipedia articles on all the books I’ve read and listened to in the past year, books I’m reading now, and books I will’ve finished reading before the year is out. My blanket review would be: I approve of them all. Read them. Or read the descriptions, and contemplate other quantum realities where different versions of you have read them. READ MORE »