This is going to blow your mind. I mean, this is going to utterly titty-fuck the lobes of your brain. Are you ready? You might want to sit down. No, not in that chair. That looks pretty unstable. Maybe you should just lie down on the ground. Now, through the looking-glass we go: (more…)
Monthly archives for September, 2011
I Don’t Belong Here: Breast Can...
This is going to blow your mind. I mean, this is going to utterly titty-fuck the lobes of your brain. Are you ready? You might want to sit down. No, not in that chair. That looks pretty unstable. Maybe you should just lie down on the ground. Now, through the looking-glass we go: (more…)
Prose Before Swine: The Fucking Apple...
The fucking Apple store. I’m just not hip enough. There’s one here in Smallbany – in the most ghetto cheese shopping maul within 100 miles. You walk in and it’s like a scene from Demolition Man, where neutered men in white uniforms follow you around and suggest things to you with a level of tenacity not experience since the apex of the [...]
HACK № 9: Rough Draft
Howdy Hacks, welcome to the ninth draft of HACK.
If you’ve made it this far, be sure to tip your hack.
This week I break into fiction by repeatedly banging your head against the fourth wall.
ROUGH DRAFT
(A Story of Self-Reference)
This was meant to be a novel. Fortunately, the Author doesn’t have enough discipline for that sor [...]
Letters From God: A Letter To The Bro...
Don’t let it get to you. I know it hurts. Believe me, I know. How can they treat you like you’re a naïve toddler? You have more maturity in your pinky toe than they do in their entire body. You may be young, but you are not blind. Their control is eating you alive. It’s always been gnawing at your ankles. Your scars scream the stories. They a [...]
Weekly Whack 9-26-11
10
“She wants to play lumberjack, she’s going to have to learn to handle her end of the log.”
9
Khalif Herbin of Montclair is one of the most exciting athletes I’ve seen play high school football… and I have seen A LOT of exciting athletes play high school football. He is the Rashidi Brown of the quarterback position. I can think of n [...]
I Don’t Belong Here: Some Bits ...
In the early part of the decade I spent a few years working on my 800 Page Crackpot Manifesto™, titled “Things I Have Learned”. Ever since then I have been eating off of it. Whenever I can’t think of anything to write, and I’m not quite shameless enough to reprint something from my other blog or similar source, I dip i [...]
Prose Before Swine: Lightning Guns!
Today we’re going to talk about my favorite social taboo: The Lightning Gun. It’s common knowledge that such things don’t really exist – if they did, they’d likely need a power source so huge as to be incalculable in mass and complexity…Perhaps a small fragment of non-Euclidean subspace time captive in a strained positron lattice [...]
HACK № 8: Why Hath Crossing Guard Chi...
Chirrrrrrrrp! Welcome to the eighth version of HACK. If you’ve made it this far, be advised that jay-walking will not be tolerated.
So there’s this crossing guard who works at the intersection right next to where I work. She’s a grandma-ish older lady, skinny, with a perpetually sour look on her face. She is insane. Let me explainR [...]
Letters From God: Char
This week, I want to share with you kind folks my progress in my drawing class. My passion is ceramics, but I always love drawing too. Charcoal is something I haven’t really worked much with in the past, but it has been a pleasant medium so far. I hope you all have some comments and or criticism that actually gives me some insight. Not [...]
Weekly Whack 9-19-11
10
“…You really do wear your heart on your sleeve. Now put it away, it’s disgusting to look at.”
9
I had the honor of meeting New Jersey Governor Chris Christie this past weekend. I shook his hand and told him that I am a teacher and a supporter, and that he should keep up the good work. He firmly shook my hand, and thanked my gracio [...]
I Don’t Belong Here: Minor Here...
Each week in I Don’t Belong Here, I have attempted to tackle some major world issue, or some pressing human concern, or just rape jokes. This week I would like to take a break from that and address some smaller, yet equally crucial, issues that I feel are important to discuss. (more…)
Prose Before Swine: Don’t Stick...
Don’t stick your dick in the crazy – it’s like glue and it doesn’t come off. (more…)